eco-terrorist or "moderate environmentalist"?

"We must live what we know."

we just got back from driving my sister to woodfield for her bus back to champaign. woodfield is a giant mall in northeast illinois. pretty much the whole time we were driving i was almost throwing up. i really hate the suburbs. i think that's maybe why i've been kinda manic depressive lately (sometimes really really hyper for no reason, other times depressed, quiet, withdrawn)...the city fucks me up. suburbs are worse. i was being really obnoxious in the car. i really don't know how to express that feeling in any other way than that. i was like that in florida a lot too, just acting like a 4 year old, and not in a good way. i think that's what happens when i feel oppressed, trapped - it comes out that way when people won't let me say my words.

the day before my birthday we (the family and i) went out for dinner in a neighboring town (crystal lake) (really surburban, lots of strip malls...like miles of them.) at a pretty good restaurant, well, it's been good in the past. and as we were leaving to go pick out my bday present (i wanted to go to a sporting good store and buy some good stuff, like a stuff sack for my sleeping bag or some other applicable stuff (like warm socks)) i was saying something about how i wanted to just deface hummers or fuck them up or something. i think my dad said something about being an eco-terrorist. i said "i'd rather be an eco-terrorist than a moderate environmentalist." that's what i'm coming to realize. if we want to have a real effect on this shit called global warming, we need to stop driving. stop living in this global warming trap that's been set up for us (and if that means being an eco-terrorist, then i'm gonna start doing that...well, maybe not destruction of property, but ...well, something.). anyway, we get to the sporting store and all four of us walk in and i'm standing at the entrance thinking, fuck i don't want to be part of this. the store is gigantic, packed with overpriced things you need to go outside, heaven forbid you don't have a supersilk thermalite(TM) north face piece of shit to make sure you don't freeze to death outside. i didn't let them buy me anything, even though my dad was pretty adamant about doing so. i told him i was sorry.

driving around the suburbs in 60degree weather of november i had my window down and i felt like an alien. being rejected from this society, and rejecting it. i was physically affected, antsy, rollercoaster emotions. i'm not really sure how i should feel. i do know that it's sad that kids born into this don't know anything else. i want to get a machine and dig up a part of the parking lots and scream THERE'S SOIL UNDER THESE THINGS. let's not keep ourselves from the earth! people walk from their houses on their driveways to their cars, drive to work, walk through the parking lot to their skyrise and never step on grass. grass is ornamental; it's not real. we drove past a park on the way to woodfield, nature is fenced in there. there's a really strong dichotomy between city/humanity and wild/nature. it's sick.