final finals EVER

[...yep, still trying to graduate...]

here's what that looks like:

14(ish) page paper draft due tonight (well actually like 2 weeks ago, but hey)
6 pages due on tuesday
1 page due on tuesday
final on tuesday
3,000 words (10 pages) due on wednesday
draft of LONG paper due on saturday
that paper due on next wednesday
organize coalition
make people come to meeting
wrap up ties to international impact as treasurer
pass over all info from vice presidency
try not to pass out or ignore everyone i care about

i suppose that's not too bad, right?
thought i'd blog about it to procrastinate/take a break.

just now

i am walking home from studying at a library.

it's late at night, so i chose to take the brightest lit road home. a conscious decision.

i'm walking at a brisk pace past a dorm, and i am the only one walking within a few blocks.

"wanna double bed?" a male voice calls from the dorm, "because i'll double penetrate your asshole."

i keep walking. i don't even flinch, nor dare to look in the direction of his voice. i walk about 10 more steps.

"answer the motherfucker." yells a second voice.

i keep on walking. trying not to too obviously look around me in fear that someone is following.

3 and a half blocks home, and my heart is still racing when i get to the door.

i quit

graduating college is stressful. i do not need the added stress of a part-time job demanding me to sit behind a computer for 10 hours a week. receiving disrespectful emails and hearing from my co-workers that my boss is pissed at me is not something i'd like to have in my life right now.

i feel ashamed for quitting, but i feel that this is only nominal. i have been detached and disinterested in this job for a while; it has not asked me to be creative, and when i have been, this has not been honored, or even accepted.

i no longer feel compelled to integrate this environment into my schedule, perhaps the busiest time of my life thus far.

so i quit.

new orleans, part 5

being in New Orleans (NOLA) again has reminded me to not be normalized. i love how that city and the spaces it provides allow me to express my true, more radical sides, rather than my institutionalized, academic, more rigid personality. school is making me less radical and i hate it. in that way, i'm glad this era is ending.

the city is still plagued, but is healing, too. V to the 10th helped me see that in a really powerful way. focusing on ending violence against women and spotlighting post-katrina new orleans, in the superdome was emotional. hearing people talk, rap, slam, cry, and share about their experiences was a healing for me, one that i've rarely had the opportunity to be a part of. the superdome, reclaimed as superLOVE for the weekend was transformed into a welcoming, art filled, female filled place -- a womb for birth and growth, if you will. :)

i'm so glad i was able to go. getting this respite, change of pace, and challenge to normativity is a good perspective to have as i'm getting ready to graduate.

here are some important things i wrote down that i want to remember:

• -see NOLA as a "canary in the coalmine" -- in terms of government, capitalism, misuse of public trust, etc. we should make sure that this doesn't continue to happen on a national level.
• -eve ensler: "the struggle is the change." eve rocks.
• -jane fonda spoke about art and activism -- art opens the heart, activism creates the change. i hadn't previously connected the two, but i'd like to start integrating that into my life and perspective.
• -slam poetry is HOT.
  

i suppose i viscerally FELT a lot of things i 'knew' about rape and violence against women. rape isn't necessarily violent or forceful, in the way we generally understand those words. it doesn't have to involve guns, blood, or physical force. it seems that media/popculture/etc have claimed and defined this discourse -- INCORRECTLY. the framing of these issues as such (on a societal AND individual level) lead us to incorrect solutions. the discourse and solutions should revolve around respect, consent, and the sacred-ness of sexuality. our society has violated that, and continues to do so even as it claims to restore it. women may not know, i did not know that "no" MEANS no. this space, this gift is mine, and maybe i will -share- it with someone else. how many times did you say no, did you feel 'no' or 'stop' or 'i don't want to' but you did anyway? how many more times will it take for you to speak up? how many more before you empower yourself and claim yourself? none. no more will i silence myself, no more will i let this continue. i will respect that choice and honor it. this is the beginning of something sacred.

if you want more information on this movement, visit the vday website: http://www.vday.org
if you'd like to talk to me about it, comment on the blog or send me an email; i'd like to hear what you have to say.

rereading past posts of mine on this blog, it's interesting to see these themes woven throughout. from aug.08.2006, almost two years ago, i posted a list of quotes from thich nhat hanh. here's one that i've finally come to understand this weekend:

"when we hold back our feelings and ignore our pain, we are committing violence against ourselves. the practice of nonviolence is to be here, to be present, and to recognize our own pain or despair."

again as i've expressed on this blog before, i hope this is the beginning of a string of related posts. hopefully finishing school will give me more free time to devote to this.

thanks for reading.