I sit, waiting for the minutes to bleed into hours, waiting for the time to pass quietly and heavily away. I’m waiting for something. Waiting to go home, waiting for summer to end, waiting for school to start, for class to end, for school to end, for summer to end. Waiting. For what I do not know.
I do not know for what I am waiting to actualize – but now the waiting feeling is visceral. It has been in the past, but I’ve just associated that with being home. Now that I’ve got this tangible feeling in a place where I thought all I could do was good – all I thought I could do was help – I no longer feel that home is the only place to wait away this time. To wait away my time.
As the time of change approaches, I am excited, as I always am, and promise to make the changes necessary to feel good, to feel happy, to feel as if I am myself. More often than not these promises are not fulfilled. This time I will try. Makes me wonder why I have to wait until I get home to try...
Sunday, July 23, 2006
Friday, July 21, 2006
nola 8
So I’m leaving in a week. I’m really excited. I’m excited to spend a few days on the beach in Tampa with my family as well as be a part of burying Grandpa’s ashes where he wants them to be, next to his wife.
This summer I’ve definitely learned a lot. I’ve learned what I like about being home, how I can actualize potential there, what it means and why people make money. I’ve learned to value my safety, security, and basic needs, because I’ve had to struggle to find them down here. I’ve learned what I want to do – to help people get what they want to better their own community. I want to be able to help people empower themselves.
I need to be more humble. I need to not interrupt people. I need to remember that I value highly what others are saying and that I don’t want to interject my own thoughts into theirs.
I need to learn how to create and engage dialogue. Or remember how to do so. I need to know and learn what it takes to create an atmosphere for such to occur – within myself and within the other person, as well as within the situation.
I need to be aware of cultural differences and become sensitive to what affects others.
I failed to do these things this summer, largely because I was unable to feel safe and secure in my surroundings, but I want to learn how to do them in the future.
I want to learn from Common Ground’s mistakes. Here are some of them:
- not being open and honest about the workings of the organization – if it’s grassroots, people should be able to understand it
- not a clear enough organizational framework – this should be easily understood and easily expandable
- not working directly with the community
- not sharing resources
- not building accountability / responsibility
- lack of clear communication – with volunteers, with community
- volunteers doubt a lot, we don’t know whether or not our efforts are put to good use
- not enough reflection upon efforts
I kind of feel stuck here a lot of the time.
Here are some of the unanswered questions Noah and I came up with on June 23, 2006:
- what groups are involved in gutting NOLA schools and how do they interact? (Common Ground, A & M, RSD, NO School District, BCG, Federal government)
- how is common ground funded?
- Why are we gutting houses now? Why don’t we focus on preparing communities for hurricantes?
- Why do we work with people / groups that lead us away from achieving our goals?
- What are our goals? How do individuals fit into this?
- Why do individuals fall short of this – i.e. lack of community involvement, environmental sustainability?
- Do we live in a safe neighborhood? Is mingling daily with cocaine dealers safe?
- Why are people so reluctant to answer these questions? Why do they seem / are they threatening?
- What other volunteer groups are there in the city and how are we working with them? If we aren’t, why not?
- Is our progress slow? Do we have a lack of organization and efficiency? Is this related to the fact that we’re (unpaid) volunteers?
- What other efforts is CG working on? What is St. Mary’s focusing on?
- Experience / knowledge of disaster preparedness
- Pre-hurricane state corruption
- What’s FEMA’s real response? Their timeline?
- Hurricane and global warming
- Why not more publicity?
- How could we work with colleges here?
- What’s been done / what hasn’t / what are plans?
- What does FEMA do?
- Why Iberville not St. Mary’s?
I used to think that volunteers would be more motivated than people who get paid. Now I’m not so sure
How many wars for peace have we had? And how many will it take to show us that war is not the way to peace?
This summer I’ve definitely learned a lot. I’ve learned what I like about being home, how I can actualize potential there, what it means and why people make money. I’ve learned to value my safety, security, and basic needs, because I’ve had to struggle to find them down here. I’ve learned what I want to do – to help people get what they want to better their own community. I want to be able to help people empower themselves.
I need to be more humble. I need to not interrupt people. I need to remember that I value highly what others are saying and that I don’t want to interject my own thoughts into theirs.
I need to learn how to create and engage dialogue. Or remember how to do so. I need to know and learn what it takes to create an atmosphere for such to occur – within myself and within the other person, as well as within the situation.
I need to be aware of cultural differences and become sensitive to what affects others.
I failed to do these things this summer, largely because I was unable to feel safe and secure in my surroundings, but I want to learn how to do them in the future.
I want to learn from Common Ground’s mistakes. Here are some of them:
- not being open and honest about the workings of the organization – if it’s grassroots, people should be able to understand it
- not a clear enough organizational framework – this should be easily understood and easily expandable
- not working directly with the community
- not sharing resources
- not building accountability / responsibility
- lack of clear communication – with volunteers, with community
- volunteers doubt a lot, we don’t know whether or not our efforts are put to good use
- not enough reflection upon efforts
I kind of feel stuck here a lot of the time.
Here are some of the unanswered questions Noah and I came up with on June 23, 2006:
- what groups are involved in gutting NOLA schools and how do they interact? (Common Ground, A & M, RSD, NO School District, BCG, Federal government)
- how is common ground funded?
- Why are we gutting houses now? Why don’t we focus on preparing communities for hurricantes?
- Why do we work with people / groups that lead us away from achieving our goals?
- What are our goals? How do individuals fit into this?
- Why do individuals fall short of this – i.e. lack of community involvement, environmental sustainability?
- Do we live in a safe neighborhood? Is mingling daily with cocaine dealers safe?
- Why are people so reluctant to answer these questions? Why do they seem / are they threatening?
- What other volunteer groups are there in the city and how are we working with them? If we aren’t, why not?
- Is our progress slow? Do we have a lack of organization and efficiency? Is this related to the fact that we’re (unpaid) volunteers?
- What other efforts is CG working on? What is St. Mary’s focusing on?
- Experience / knowledge of disaster preparedness
- Pre-hurricane state corruption
- What’s FEMA’s real response? Their timeline?
- Hurricane and global warming
- Why not more publicity?
- How could we work with colleges here?
- What’s been done / what hasn’t / what are plans?
- What does FEMA do?
- Why Iberville not St. Mary’s?
I used to think that volunteers would be more motivated than people who get paid. Now I’m not so sure
How many wars for peace have we had? And how many will it take to show us that war is not the way to peace?
Thursday, July 20, 2006
nola 7
It’s funny – I feel that everyone has this enormous potential that’s just waiting to be asked to come out. Like a match waiting to be struck, to create a fire out of nothing. I wonder why people wait to unleash that magic. I wonder why I do – why I hold myself back. Like a soundtrack, a book, bumbling around before the climax, just building up and waiting to come out.
What is this random shit? I am here in New Orleans – but why? Self-sufficient for the most part, working for food, living from one day to the next, from one job to the next, not really with any meaning. I sleep, read, and think a lot. I don’t drink enough water, I’m not very physically active. The things I’m usually interested in do not bring excitement to me. This is a lull.
You need to remember that what you see in people moves you. This excites you. This indefinite resource enchants your creative energies. People are the power. Find out how to unleash this potential.
I miss human contact. I miss being able to feel and be felt. I need change, excitement, movement. Don’t we all?
How do people around here live? Are they happy? Do happy people shoot other people, deal cocaine, ignore that the schools their children need for education are still not getting the attention they deserve? Are happy people more active in the community? Is there a correlation between activism and happiness? What are the correlations with activism?
What is this random shit? I am here in New Orleans – but why? Self-sufficient for the most part, working for food, living from one day to the next, from one job to the next, not really with any meaning. I sleep, read, and think a lot. I don’t drink enough water, I’m not very physically active. The things I’m usually interested in do not bring excitement to me. This is a lull.
You need to remember that what you see in people moves you. This excites you. This indefinite resource enchants your creative energies. People are the power. Find out how to unleash this potential.
I miss human contact. I miss being able to feel and be felt. I need change, excitement, movement. Don’t we all?
How do people around here live? Are they happy? Do happy people shoot other people, deal cocaine, ignore that the schools their children need for education are still not getting the attention they deserve? Are happy people more active in the community? Is there a correlation between activism and happiness? What are the correlations with activism?
Monday, July 17, 2006
nola 6
This place is messed up. I want to see hope and I can’t find it. I want to know that what I’m doing will make a difference in the long run, that someone will recognize the work it took to get New Orleans back together. I feel underappreciated.
I want to see the green pastures of the Midwest, enjoy the summertime corn on the cob and fresh tomatoes but I can’t. I want to see a forest. There is little which resembles nature here. Green medians sparingly sprinkled with trees does not satisfy my daily need for greenery.
Greenery and nature remind me of my place here. It reminds me of the size of things and how I fit in. The world is much larger than me and without something to remind me it’s easy to forget.
Everything is so dirty here. There is litter everywhere; businesses, schools, houses are filled with garbage, the streets are lined with rubble, the people who work are dirty. Going into a mall on Canal and seeing all the pretty people in the air-conditioned bubble is dreamy. Eating an ice cream cone for the first time this summer on Friday was a sensation I didn’t know I could miss that much.
After talking to a close friend
I’ve put myself in this situation that eats away at my self. This is a form of suicide in which I’ve set a trap for myself and not allowed an escape. I think I’ll feel bad and see this as failure if I leave, if I see all the problems these people face on a daily basis and leave anyway. I put myself as a cause of the continuance of this. For a while now I’ve been asking myself, “why don’t you go home?” and I can’t think of an answer. Sometimes it feels like I want someone to rescue me, and that I’m looking outside myself for that.
I am not whole right now and I can’t take care of myself. I need to fix this situation rather than rely on someone else.
Though when I do have what it takes for self-reflection and the ability to get an understanding of the situation I just wonder what is wrong with these people? Why can’t they take the situation into their own hands and fix it? Now, I’m not necessarily talking about the people of this city, those who simply “don’t have the ability to do so,” I’m also talking about my fellow volunteers who can’t clean their own dishes or wash their own clothes. It’s hard to continue working and working for these people (perhaps with them) in the midst of their apathy toward what I’m doing.
You have to empower yourself before you can empower others.
You know what makes you happy.
6:30 pm, later that day
Woke up to Jewel asking “who will save your soul if you won’t save your own?”
Bess being here makes me realize a lot of the fucked up shit that I’ve learned to ignore, that I forget to question, that I’m tired of throwing myself against, failing.
Bess thinks that a lot of people have other reasons for coming here or staying here for the whole summer – that they want to find meaning in life.
I want to write a lot but not it’s not coming out. I need to write about why I’m still here, why I find myself caught up here, about how I feel Common Ground has gone astray.
I want to see the green pastures of the Midwest, enjoy the summertime corn on the cob and fresh tomatoes but I can’t. I want to see a forest. There is little which resembles nature here. Green medians sparingly sprinkled with trees does not satisfy my daily need for greenery.
Greenery and nature remind me of my place here. It reminds me of the size of things and how I fit in. The world is much larger than me and without something to remind me it’s easy to forget.
Everything is so dirty here. There is litter everywhere; businesses, schools, houses are filled with garbage, the streets are lined with rubble, the people who work are dirty. Going into a mall on Canal and seeing all the pretty people in the air-conditioned bubble is dreamy. Eating an ice cream cone for the first time this summer on Friday was a sensation I didn’t know I could miss that much.
After talking to a close friend
I’ve put myself in this situation that eats away at my self. This is a form of suicide in which I’ve set a trap for myself and not allowed an escape. I think I’ll feel bad and see this as failure if I leave, if I see all the problems these people face on a daily basis and leave anyway. I put myself as a cause of the continuance of this. For a while now I’ve been asking myself, “why don’t you go home?” and I can’t think of an answer. Sometimes it feels like I want someone to rescue me, and that I’m looking outside myself for that.
I am not whole right now and I can’t take care of myself. I need to fix this situation rather than rely on someone else.
Though when I do have what it takes for self-reflection and the ability to get an understanding of the situation I just wonder what is wrong with these people? Why can’t they take the situation into their own hands and fix it? Now, I’m not necessarily talking about the people of this city, those who simply “don’t have the ability to do so,” I’m also talking about my fellow volunteers who can’t clean their own dishes or wash their own clothes. It’s hard to continue working and working for these people (perhaps with them) in the midst of their apathy toward what I’m doing.
You have to empower yourself before you can empower others.
You know what makes you happy.
6:30 pm, later that day
Woke up to Jewel asking “who will save your soul if you won’t save your own?”
Bess being here makes me realize a lot of the fucked up shit that I’ve learned to ignore, that I forget to question, that I’m tired of throwing myself against, failing.
Bess thinks that a lot of people have other reasons for coming here or staying here for the whole summer – that they want to find meaning in life.
I want to write a lot but not it’s not coming out. I need to write about why I’m still here, why I find myself caught up here, about how I feel Common Ground has gone astray.
Friday, July 14, 2006
nola 5
Excerpts from an email to a friend:
I’ve been here for about a month now and it's really wearing on me. I’m kind of losing my head, and maybe you'll be able to tell throughout my following email that I’m not quite all there. It’s extremely difficult to feel effective.
Today I 'gutted' an elementary school. What that all means is pretty complex. as far as organizational structure goes...: the Louisiana dept of education contracted out the 'recovery school district' who
further contracted 2 other groups: the Boston Consulting Group, and Alvarez and Marsal. Both of these latter groups work internationally to organize businesses so they can run as effectively and efficiently as possible. One part of that efficiency is efficiency of cost. So the Boston Consulting Group has been working largely with volunteer efforts to gut schools.
Let me stop and explain the word "gut." in most cases, gutting entails debris removal from a building as well as mold abatement. Debris removal entails removing rotting material that has been sitting in a building since (as the dates on the chalkboards go:) August 29, 2005. Hurricane Katrina hit that day, created a 20 foot storm surge which broke levees all across the city and flooded houses up to 15 feet for as long as 3 weeks. The school we gutted today was flooded only about 6 inches and is one of the more pleasant schools to gut. So debris removal...imagine walking into a fully stocked elementary school and dragging out everything from the first floor, irregardless of the condition. (Some things are in new condition, i.e. many unused textbooks, unopened office supplies, iBooks, etc. -- all of which are thrown away because of the mold spores that have had time to settle. Other things are not so new - cockroaches and a bigger version called Palmetto Bugs are abundant and yet they still creep me out.) Now, on to mold abatement. The water that flooded this place wasn't very clean - New Orleans is an industrialized port city and also has a fair share of oil refineries, garbage dumps and is generally a pretty dirty city. The mold that formed after the water sat in building is practically toxic to respiratory systems. After debris removal, we sledgehammer out the drywall and then mold abatement either means bleach or "E.M." (Efficient Microbes) to kill the mold.
This is a pretty typical day.
Today was not typical for me. I’ll be honest: I’ve been pretty shitty lately. This is very hard to be here. And my grandpa died on Monday and the funeral is today and my mom is being really weird about it (it's her dad). And my dad just had surgery and my sister is in Europe for a month. Yeah. This is all pretty crazy. So I had a bit of a crazy breakdown today, where I was just kind of delirious and unable to work. I would walk into a classroom and just not know where to begin. Although is not an unusual feeling, I just didn't know how to do it today, and work was really hard. We also had the smallest crew yet at this school: 5 and one guy left like halfway through...so there were 4 of us. On an entire school. In 95+ degree weather. With inadequate gear and insufficient clean drinking water. Today was hard.
A friend from U of I came down to work for a while a few days ago and she bought me Chinese food tonight. It was really good to eat a fairly normal meal. I recently moved out of the volunteer housing because I didn't want to get raped, shot, or have my stuff stolen (all real concerns), so I have no reliable source of food at this point, and no income until about an hour ago. Eating dinner was nice.
I'm sure by this point you have to think I’m insane. Rightly so. I see this as sort of an experiment and also a gigantic learning experience. if you're interested to hear more of my rationalization/justification I can let you in on that to help you understand why I’m still here...I’m sure you have a fairly large amount of unanswerable questions you might want to ask, too (such as why is the gutting done by volunteers when the gov't pledges 'no child left behind', or why do I fear getting raped or shot, or why haven't I left, or, well, I’m sure you have some of those), and I’m willing to entertain some of those as this dialogue progresses.
Rereading my email I realize I’ve said a lot. You must understand though that when I came down here it wasn't the same situation but since then has morphed into this monster that I’ve been entangled into. Granted, home is only a train ticket away, I’m not sure I want to come back yet. This place is like a rollercoaster and I’m trying to enjoy the ride even though I’m scared for my life.
I’ve been here for about a month now and it's really wearing on me. I’m kind of losing my head, and maybe you'll be able to tell throughout my following email that I’m not quite all there. It’s extremely difficult to feel effective.
Today I 'gutted' an elementary school. What that all means is pretty complex. as far as organizational structure goes...: the Louisiana dept of education contracted out the 'recovery school district' who
further contracted 2 other groups: the Boston Consulting Group, and Alvarez and Marsal. Both of these latter groups work internationally to organize businesses so they can run as effectively and efficiently as possible. One part of that efficiency is efficiency of cost. So the Boston Consulting Group has been working largely with volunteer efforts to gut schools.
Let me stop and explain the word "gut." in most cases, gutting entails debris removal from a building as well as mold abatement. Debris removal entails removing rotting material that has been sitting in a building since (as the dates on the chalkboards go:) August 29, 2005. Hurricane Katrina hit that day, created a 20 foot storm surge which broke levees all across the city and flooded houses up to 15 feet for as long as 3 weeks. The school we gutted today was flooded only about 6 inches and is one of the more pleasant schools to gut. So debris removal...imagine walking into a fully stocked elementary school and dragging out everything from the first floor, irregardless of the condition. (Some things are in new condition, i.e. many unused textbooks, unopened office supplies, iBooks, etc. -- all of which are thrown away because of the mold spores that have had time to settle. Other things are not so new - cockroaches and a bigger version called Palmetto Bugs are abundant and yet they still creep me out.) Now, on to mold abatement. The water that flooded this place wasn't very clean - New Orleans is an industrialized port city and also has a fair share of oil refineries, garbage dumps and is generally a pretty dirty city. The mold that formed after the water sat in building is practically toxic to respiratory systems. After debris removal, we sledgehammer out the drywall and then mold abatement either means bleach or "E.M." (Efficient Microbes) to kill the mold.
This is a pretty typical day.
Today was not typical for me. I’ll be honest: I’ve been pretty shitty lately. This is very hard to be here. And my grandpa died on Monday and the funeral is today and my mom is being really weird about it (it's her dad). And my dad just had surgery and my sister is in Europe for a month. Yeah. This is all pretty crazy. So I had a bit of a crazy breakdown today, where I was just kind of delirious and unable to work. I would walk into a classroom and just not know where to begin. Although is not an unusual feeling, I just didn't know how to do it today, and work was really hard. We also had the smallest crew yet at this school: 5 and one guy left like halfway through...so there were 4 of us. On an entire school. In 95+ degree weather. With inadequate gear and insufficient clean drinking water. Today was hard.
A friend from U of I came down to work for a while a few days ago and she bought me Chinese food tonight. It was really good to eat a fairly normal meal. I recently moved out of the volunteer housing because I didn't want to get raped, shot, or have my stuff stolen (all real concerns), so I have no reliable source of food at this point, and no income until about an hour ago. Eating dinner was nice.
I'm sure by this point you have to think I’m insane. Rightly so. I see this as sort of an experiment and also a gigantic learning experience. if you're interested to hear more of my rationalization/justification I can let you in on that to help you understand why I’m still here...I’m sure you have a fairly large amount of unanswerable questions you might want to ask, too (such as why is the gutting done by volunteers when the gov't pledges 'no child left behind', or why do I fear getting raped or shot, or why haven't I left, or, well, I’m sure you have some of those), and I’m willing to entertain some of those as this dialogue progresses.
Rereading my email I realize I’ve said a lot. You must understand though that when I came down here it wasn't the same situation but since then has morphed into this monster that I’ve been entangled into. Granted, home is only a train ticket away, I’m not sure I want to come back yet. This place is like a rollercoaster and I’m trying to enjoy the ride even though I’m scared for my life.
Wednesday, July 5, 2006
nola 4
There was a drive-by shooting on this block last night. A car pulled up to the middle of the intersection and fired two shots into a bar on the corner 100 feet down the road. No one was hurt.
I do not know how to comprehend this – but it’s why I’m leaving.
My peers comprehend it by making a joke out of it, by using humor to come to terms with something that they cannot otherwise think about. Much of pop culture America does this nowadays, too. We have TV shows that draw on sexism for humor, racism for fun, and economic disparity for laughs. Our ideals are taken silently away from us and then we struggle to buy them back for the rest of our lives. We struggle against the current to live a moral life, in attempt to live a peaceful life. This, it seems, is impossible. Suffering is all around us but we can’t seem to find the tools to come to terms with it – we can’t seem to win against the powers of immorality.
I’m sure many a great theorist has said this before.
We will stand up for morality and show others the Way.
I do not know how to comprehend this – but it’s why I’m leaving.
My peers comprehend it by making a joke out of it, by using humor to come to terms with something that they cannot otherwise think about. Much of pop culture America does this nowadays, too. We have TV shows that draw on sexism for humor, racism for fun, and economic disparity for laughs. Our ideals are taken silently away from us and then we struggle to buy them back for the rest of our lives. We struggle against the current to live a moral life, in attempt to live a peaceful life. This, it seems, is impossible. Suffering is all around us but we can’t seem to find the tools to come to terms with it – we can’t seem to win against the powers of immorality.
I’m sure many a great theorist has said this before.
We will stand up for morality and show others the Way.
Monday, July 3, 2006
nola 3
I have become largely ineffective as part of this group. I am easily frustrated and have little concern for the opinions of others. I feel that they are unintelligent and that working with them will bring me more harm than good. Furthermore, it is shitty to constantly have to feel guarded against outside forces because of my sex and race. This is one of the most sexist environments that I’ve ever lived in, and being the one to normally speak up, I’ve repeatedly been called a bitch or the like.
I’m impatient for these people to spit out something worth my time. It feels like I have to wait 90% of the time for maybe 10% of something that I’m actually interested in hearing.
I’m too egotistical in thinking that what I know is right. Though I tell myself that I’m usually right in the end anyway. You’re trying to be the expert and forcing it upon people. Whether or not you’re right in the end; this feeling blinds you from what you could be learning from people.
Fix these things or perish here.
I’m impatient for these people to spit out something worth my time. It feels like I have to wait 90% of the time for maybe 10% of something that I’m actually interested in hearing.
I’m too egotistical in thinking that what I know is right. Though I tell myself that I’m usually right in the end anyway. You’re trying to be the expert and forcing it upon people. Whether or not you’re right in the end; this feeling blinds you from what you could be learning from people.
Fix these things or perish here.
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