So I'm not bragging about this mediocre statement, but I haven't written anything in a while, so here goes. What follows is my personal statement for a position I'm applying for with AmeriCorps. Let me know what you think.
When I went to New Orleans, I felt self-actualized for the first time in my life. As a psychology student, I had read about self-actualization in textbooks and heard of it in lectures; I understood the concept well. But it wasn’t until I chose to spend my spring break in New Orleans helping with Hurricane Katrina relief efforts that I actually knew what self-actualization felt like.
I had put myself in an unfamiliar situation; I found myself in a van full of people I had just met (except for one friend) and strapped in for the 14-hour drive south. I had no idea what to expect, and I had just decided to go on this trip because other plans fell through. I’d have to say, though, that it was the best last-minute choice I’ve made in my life.
The first morning in New Orleans I met Jeremiah. He was the volunteer coordinator: the top of the hierarchy of people in charge of the place I was staying – a makeshift shelter in an abandoned warehouse serving as lodging for about 120 college kids on spring break. Jeremiah was one of the first people in my life who I felt believed in me, someone who recognized my skills and valued them.
I worked alongside Jeremiah coordinating volunteers, contacting residents about rebuilding or gutting, and staffing the volunteer center. To say it was uncharted ground for me would be an understatement. I had never been in such a position of leadership, nor entrusted with as much responsibility. I wrote press releases and helped coordinate a large press conference to occur after I left, things I had never done before. But I like to get my hands dirty. I like challenges. So I wouldn’t say I was afraid.
That spring break in New Orleans was also the first time I realized that I like working with people, a lot. I had done other service projects in the past, but until then I don’t think I would’ve recognized myself as passionate about working with others. It was a great feeling to know that I was working with so many others who had taken the time to come down and help out. We had felt a similar draw to devote our time to, and this became an instant bond.
Some of us are called to action when we learn about what goes on in the world, as we become aware of the amount of suffering that occurs to other humans, other living beings, and the planet itself. Individually, though, I think we are very limited. In other words, there is very little we can do in isolation, by ourselves. But once we start talking to people about our ideas and our passions, that changes. Following my passion of self-actualization and surrounding myself with people who radiate their own passion have been my guiding forces since New Orleans. Only by putting our heads together, learning about each other’s skills, and harnessing our passions can we begin to make an impact.
Showing posts with label nola. Show all posts
Showing posts with label nola. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Latin America + Shock Doctrine
Naomi Klein has been at UIUC for the past few days. Today I had the privilege to attend a panel discussion with her and two academics (Prof. Fernando Coronil, Univ. of Michigan; Prof. Andrew Orta, UIUC) on "The rise of current social movements and protests in Latin America."
It was interesting, to say the least, and refreshingly reminded me that I am situated very close to a college campus. I'd been away from the academic air for a while.
Klein built upon arguments presented at her main lecture last night (I was unable to attend) and in her book, Shock Doctrine: The Rise of Disaster Capitalism. Her project is to promote a counter-narrative to the unquestioned neoliberal responses to disasters. Lately, see: 9/11, Katrina, and the bailout "plan." The government has responded to these catastrophes by capitalizing on public shock and fear to push an agenda (war in Iraq/Patriot Act, racism/commercialization of NOLA/overlooking of basic infrastructure problems, free reins with $700B). Additionally, we haven't done a good job at remembering history as it happened either. Thus, we're shocked at the shock...and during this our freedoms are stolen right out from under us, without question.
Klein says we Americans are "addicted to shock."
In the context of Latin America, she said that it is the most advanced site of resistance against this "shock doctrine" and neoliberalism. She cited a few reasons (and noted that it's an incomplete list):
I think she's got some good points, and I'll put her book on my "to read" list. ...Also, she was recently on Colbert Report if you'd like to see her in action.
This is also an interesting story.
It was interesting, to say the least, and refreshingly reminded me that I am situated very close to a college campus. I'd been away from the academic air for a while.
Klein built upon arguments presented at her main lecture last night (I was unable to attend) and in her book, Shock Doctrine: The Rise of Disaster Capitalism. Her project is to promote a counter-narrative to the unquestioned neoliberal responses to disasters. Lately, see: 9/11, Katrina, and the bailout "plan." The government has responded to these catastrophes by capitalizing on public shock and fear to push an agenda (war in Iraq/Patriot Act, racism/commercialization of NOLA/overlooking of basic infrastructure problems, free reins with $700B). Additionally, we haven't done a good job at remembering history as it happened either. Thus, we're shocked at the shock...and during this our freedoms are stolen right out from under us, without question.Klein says we Americans are "addicted to shock."
In the context of Latin America, she said that it is the most advanced site of resistance against this "shock doctrine" and neoliberalism. She cited a few reasons (and noted that it's an incomplete list):
- It got neoliberalism first.
- It was an extremely obvious un-democratic (violent and/or racist) overthrow of the status quo.
- The left there wasn't discredited. Compared to the Soviet bloc, the left (socialist) side didn't fall; in Latin America, it was put down. People can't point to the left and say they screwed it up before.
I think she's got some good points, and I'll put her book on my "to read" list. ...Also, she was recently on Colbert Report if you'd like to see her in action.
This is also an interesting story.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
new orleans, part 5
being in New Orleans (NOLA) again has reminded me to not be normalized. i love how that city and the spaces it provides allow me to express my true, more radical sides, rather than my institutionalized, academic, more rigid personality. school is making me less radical and i hate it. in that way, i'm glad this era is ending.
the city is still plagued, but is healing, too. V to the 10th helped me see that in a really powerful way. focusing on ending violence against women and spotlighting post-katrina new orleans, in the superdome was emotional. hearing people talk, rap, slam, cry, and share about their experiences was a healing for me, one that i've rarely had the opportunity to be a part of. the superdome, reclaimed as superLOVE for the weekend was transformed into a welcoming, art filled, female filled place -- a womb for birth and growth, if you will. :)
i'm so glad i was able to go. getting this respite, change of pace, and challenge to normativity is a good perspective to have as i'm getting ready to graduate.
here are some important things i wrote down that i want to remember:
if you want more information on this movement, visit the vday website: http://www.vday.org
if you'd like to talk to me about it, comment on the blog or send me an email; i'd like to hear what you have to say.
rereading past posts of mine on this blog, it's interesting to see these themes woven throughout. from aug.08.2006, almost two years ago, i posted a list of quotes from thich nhat hanh. here's one that i've finally come to understand this weekend:
again as i've expressed on this blog before, i hope this is the beginning of a string of related posts. hopefully finishing school will give me more free time to devote to this.
thanks for reading.
the city is still plagued, but is healing, too. V to the 10th helped me see that in a really powerful way. focusing on ending violence against women and spotlighting post-katrina new orleans, in the superdome was emotional. hearing people talk, rap, slam, cry, and share about their experiences was a healing for me, one that i've rarely had the opportunity to be a part of. the superdome, reclaimed as superLOVE for the weekend was transformed into a welcoming, art filled, female filled place -- a womb for birth and growth, if you will. :)
i'm so glad i was able to go. getting this respite, change of pace, and challenge to normativity is a good perspective to have as i'm getting ready to graduate.
here are some important things i wrote down that i want to remember:
- -see NOLA as a "canary in the coalmine" -- in terms of government, capitalism, misuse of public trust, etc. we should make sure that this doesn't continue to happen on a national level.
- -eve ensler: "the struggle is the change." eve rocks.
- -jane fonda spoke about art and activism -- art opens the heart, activism creates the change. i hadn't previously connected the two, but i'd like to start integrating that into my life and perspective.
- -slam poetry is HOT.
if you want more information on this movement, visit the vday website: http://www.vday.org
if you'd like to talk to me about it, comment on the blog or send me an email; i'd like to hear what you have to say.
rereading past posts of mine on this blog, it's interesting to see these themes woven throughout. from aug.08.2006, almost two years ago, i posted a list of quotes from thich nhat hanh. here's one that i've finally come to understand this weekend:
"when we hold back our feelings and ignore our pain, we are committing violence against ourselves. the practice of nonviolence is to be here, to be present, and to recognize our own pain or despair."
again as i've expressed on this blog before, i hope this is the beginning of a string of related posts. hopefully finishing school will give me more free time to devote to this.
thanks for reading.
Sunday, July 23, 2006
nola 9
I sit, waiting for the minutes to bleed into hours, waiting for the time to pass quietly and heavily away. I’m waiting for something. Waiting to go home, waiting for summer to end, waiting for school to start, for class to end, for school to end, for summer to end. Waiting. For what I do not know.
I do not know for what I am waiting to actualize – but now the waiting feeling is visceral. It has been in the past, but I’ve just associated that with being home. Now that I’ve got this tangible feeling in a place where I thought all I could do was good – all I thought I could do was help – I no longer feel that home is the only place to wait away this time. To wait away my time.
As the time of change approaches, I am excited, as I always am, and promise to make the changes necessary to feel good, to feel happy, to feel as if I am myself. More often than not these promises are not fulfilled. This time I will try. Makes me wonder why I have to wait until I get home to try...
I do not know for what I am waiting to actualize – but now the waiting feeling is visceral. It has been in the past, but I’ve just associated that with being home. Now that I’ve got this tangible feeling in a place where I thought all I could do was good – all I thought I could do was help – I no longer feel that home is the only place to wait away this time. To wait away my time.
As the time of change approaches, I am excited, as I always am, and promise to make the changes necessary to feel good, to feel happy, to feel as if I am myself. More often than not these promises are not fulfilled. This time I will try. Makes me wonder why I have to wait until I get home to try...
Friday, July 21, 2006
nola 8
So I’m leaving in a week. I’m really excited. I’m excited to spend a few days on the beach in Tampa with my family as well as be a part of burying Grandpa’s ashes where he wants them to be, next to his wife.
This summer I’ve definitely learned a lot. I’ve learned what I like about being home, how I can actualize potential there, what it means and why people make money. I’ve learned to value my safety, security, and basic needs, because I’ve had to struggle to find them down here. I’ve learned what I want to do – to help people get what they want to better their own community. I want to be able to help people empower themselves.
I need to be more humble. I need to not interrupt people. I need to remember that I value highly what others are saying and that I don’t want to interject my own thoughts into theirs.
I need to learn how to create and engage dialogue. Or remember how to do so. I need to know and learn what it takes to create an atmosphere for such to occur – within myself and within the other person, as well as within the situation.
I need to be aware of cultural differences and become sensitive to what affects others.
I failed to do these things this summer, largely because I was unable to feel safe and secure in my surroundings, but I want to learn how to do them in the future.
I want to learn from Common Ground’s mistakes. Here are some of them:
- not being open and honest about the workings of the organization – if it’s grassroots, people should be able to understand it
- not a clear enough organizational framework – this should be easily understood and easily expandable
- not working directly with the community
- not sharing resources
- not building accountability / responsibility
- lack of clear communication – with volunteers, with community
- volunteers doubt a lot, we don’t know whether or not our efforts are put to good use
- not enough reflection upon efforts
I kind of feel stuck here a lot of the time.
Here are some of the unanswered questions Noah and I came up with on June 23, 2006:
- what groups are involved in gutting NOLA schools and how do they interact? (Common Ground, A & M, RSD, NO School District, BCG, Federal government)
- how is common ground funded?
- Why are we gutting houses now? Why don’t we focus on preparing communities for hurricantes?
- Why do we work with people / groups that lead us away from achieving our goals?
- What are our goals? How do individuals fit into this?
- Why do individuals fall short of this – i.e. lack of community involvement, environmental sustainability?
- Do we live in a safe neighborhood? Is mingling daily with cocaine dealers safe?
- Why are people so reluctant to answer these questions? Why do they seem / are they threatening?
- What other volunteer groups are there in the city and how are we working with them? If we aren’t, why not?
- Is our progress slow? Do we have a lack of organization and efficiency? Is this related to the fact that we’re (unpaid) volunteers?
- What other efforts is CG working on? What is St. Mary’s focusing on?
- Experience / knowledge of disaster preparedness
- Pre-hurricane state corruption
- What’s FEMA’s real response? Their timeline?
- Hurricane and global warming
- Why not more publicity?
- How could we work with colleges here?
- What’s been done / what hasn’t / what are plans?
- What does FEMA do?
- Why Iberville not St. Mary’s?
I used to think that volunteers would be more motivated than people who get paid. Now I’m not so sure
How many wars for peace have we had? And how many will it take to show us that war is not the way to peace?
This summer I’ve definitely learned a lot. I’ve learned what I like about being home, how I can actualize potential there, what it means and why people make money. I’ve learned to value my safety, security, and basic needs, because I’ve had to struggle to find them down here. I’ve learned what I want to do – to help people get what they want to better their own community. I want to be able to help people empower themselves.
I need to be more humble. I need to not interrupt people. I need to remember that I value highly what others are saying and that I don’t want to interject my own thoughts into theirs.
I need to learn how to create and engage dialogue. Or remember how to do so. I need to know and learn what it takes to create an atmosphere for such to occur – within myself and within the other person, as well as within the situation.
I need to be aware of cultural differences and become sensitive to what affects others.
I failed to do these things this summer, largely because I was unable to feel safe and secure in my surroundings, but I want to learn how to do them in the future.
I want to learn from Common Ground’s mistakes. Here are some of them:
- not being open and honest about the workings of the organization – if it’s grassroots, people should be able to understand it
- not a clear enough organizational framework – this should be easily understood and easily expandable
- not working directly with the community
- not sharing resources
- not building accountability / responsibility
- lack of clear communication – with volunteers, with community
- volunteers doubt a lot, we don’t know whether or not our efforts are put to good use
- not enough reflection upon efforts
I kind of feel stuck here a lot of the time.
Here are some of the unanswered questions Noah and I came up with on June 23, 2006:
- what groups are involved in gutting NOLA schools and how do they interact? (Common Ground, A & M, RSD, NO School District, BCG, Federal government)
- how is common ground funded?
- Why are we gutting houses now? Why don’t we focus on preparing communities for hurricantes?
- Why do we work with people / groups that lead us away from achieving our goals?
- What are our goals? How do individuals fit into this?
- Why do individuals fall short of this – i.e. lack of community involvement, environmental sustainability?
- Do we live in a safe neighborhood? Is mingling daily with cocaine dealers safe?
- Why are people so reluctant to answer these questions? Why do they seem / are they threatening?
- What other volunteer groups are there in the city and how are we working with them? If we aren’t, why not?
- Is our progress slow? Do we have a lack of organization and efficiency? Is this related to the fact that we’re (unpaid) volunteers?
- What other efforts is CG working on? What is St. Mary’s focusing on?
- Experience / knowledge of disaster preparedness
- Pre-hurricane state corruption
- What’s FEMA’s real response? Their timeline?
- Hurricane and global warming
- Why not more publicity?
- How could we work with colleges here?
- What’s been done / what hasn’t / what are plans?
- What does FEMA do?
- Why Iberville not St. Mary’s?
I used to think that volunteers would be more motivated than people who get paid. Now I’m not so sure
How many wars for peace have we had? And how many will it take to show us that war is not the way to peace?
Thursday, July 20, 2006
nola 7
It’s funny – I feel that everyone has this enormous potential that’s just waiting to be asked to come out. Like a match waiting to be struck, to create a fire out of nothing. I wonder why people wait to unleash that magic. I wonder why I do – why I hold myself back. Like a soundtrack, a book, bumbling around before the climax, just building up and waiting to come out.
What is this random shit? I am here in New Orleans – but why? Self-sufficient for the most part, working for food, living from one day to the next, from one job to the next, not really with any meaning. I sleep, read, and think a lot. I don’t drink enough water, I’m not very physically active. The things I’m usually interested in do not bring excitement to me. This is a lull.
You need to remember that what you see in people moves you. This excites you. This indefinite resource enchants your creative energies. People are the power. Find out how to unleash this potential.
I miss human contact. I miss being able to feel and be felt. I need change, excitement, movement. Don’t we all?
How do people around here live? Are they happy? Do happy people shoot other people, deal cocaine, ignore that the schools their children need for education are still not getting the attention they deserve? Are happy people more active in the community? Is there a correlation between activism and happiness? What are the correlations with activism?
What is this random shit? I am here in New Orleans – but why? Self-sufficient for the most part, working for food, living from one day to the next, from one job to the next, not really with any meaning. I sleep, read, and think a lot. I don’t drink enough water, I’m not very physically active. The things I’m usually interested in do not bring excitement to me. This is a lull.
You need to remember that what you see in people moves you. This excites you. This indefinite resource enchants your creative energies. People are the power. Find out how to unleash this potential.
I miss human contact. I miss being able to feel and be felt. I need change, excitement, movement. Don’t we all?
How do people around here live? Are they happy? Do happy people shoot other people, deal cocaine, ignore that the schools their children need for education are still not getting the attention they deserve? Are happy people more active in the community? Is there a correlation between activism and happiness? What are the correlations with activism?
Monday, July 17, 2006
nola 6
This place is messed up. I want to see hope and I can’t find it. I want to know that what I’m doing will make a difference in the long run, that someone will recognize the work it took to get New Orleans back together. I feel underappreciated.
I want to see the green pastures of the Midwest, enjoy the summertime corn on the cob and fresh tomatoes but I can’t. I want to see a forest. There is little which resembles nature here. Green medians sparingly sprinkled with trees does not satisfy my daily need for greenery.
Greenery and nature remind me of my place here. It reminds me of the size of things and how I fit in. The world is much larger than me and without something to remind me it’s easy to forget.
Everything is so dirty here. There is litter everywhere; businesses, schools, houses are filled with garbage, the streets are lined with rubble, the people who work are dirty. Going into a mall on Canal and seeing all the pretty people in the air-conditioned bubble is dreamy. Eating an ice cream cone for the first time this summer on Friday was a sensation I didn’t know I could miss that much.
After talking to a close friend
I’ve put myself in this situation that eats away at my self. This is a form of suicide in which I’ve set a trap for myself and not allowed an escape. I think I’ll feel bad and see this as failure if I leave, if I see all the problems these people face on a daily basis and leave anyway. I put myself as a cause of the continuance of this. For a while now I’ve been asking myself, “why don’t you go home?” and I can’t think of an answer. Sometimes it feels like I want someone to rescue me, and that I’m looking outside myself for that.
I am not whole right now and I can’t take care of myself. I need to fix this situation rather than rely on someone else.
Though when I do have what it takes for self-reflection and the ability to get an understanding of the situation I just wonder what is wrong with these people? Why can’t they take the situation into their own hands and fix it? Now, I’m not necessarily talking about the people of this city, those who simply “don’t have the ability to do so,” I’m also talking about my fellow volunteers who can’t clean their own dishes or wash their own clothes. It’s hard to continue working and working for these people (perhaps with them) in the midst of their apathy toward what I’m doing.
You have to empower yourself before you can empower others.
You know what makes you happy.
6:30 pm, later that day
Woke up to Jewel asking “who will save your soul if you won’t save your own?”
Bess being here makes me realize a lot of the fucked up shit that I’ve learned to ignore, that I forget to question, that I’m tired of throwing myself against, failing.
Bess thinks that a lot of people have other reasons for coming here or staying here for the whole summer – that they want to find meaning in life.
I want to write a lot but not it’s not coming out. I need to write about why I’m still here, why I find myself caught up here, about how I feel Common Ground has gone astray.
I want to see the green pastures of the Midwest, enjoy the summertime corn on the cob and fresh tomatoes but I can’t. I want to see a forest. There is little which resembles nature here. Green medians sparingly sprinkled with trees does not satisfy my daily need for greenery.
Greenery and nature remind me of my place here. It reminds me of the size of things and how I fit in. The world is much larger than me and without something to remind me it’s easy to forget.
Everything is so dirty here. There is litter everywhere; businesses, schools, houses are filled with garbage, the streets are lined with rubble, the people who work are dirty. Going into a mall on Canal and seeing all the pretty people in the air-conditioned bubble is dreamy. Eating an ice cream cone for the first time this summer on Friday was a sensation I didn’t know I could miss that much.
After talking to a close friend
I’ve put myself in this situation that eats away at my self. This is a form of suicide in which I’ve set a trap for myself and not allowed an escape. I think I’ll feel bad and see this as failure if I leave, if I see all the problems these people face on a daily basis and leave anyway. I put myself as a cause of the continuance of this. For a while now I’ve been asking myself, “why don’t you go home?” and I can’t think of an answer. Sometimes it feels like I want someone to rescue me, and that I’m looking outside myself for that.
I am not whole right now and I can’t take care of myself. I need to fix this situation rather than rely on someone else.
Though when I do have what it takes for self-reflection and the ability to get an understanding of the situation I just wonder what is wrong with these people? Why can’t they take the situation into their own hands and fix it? Now, I’m not necessarily talking about the people of this city, those who simply “don’t have the ability to do so,” I’m also talking about my fellow volunteers who can’t clean their own dishes or wash their own clothes. It’s hard to continue working and working for these people (perhaps with them) in the midst of their apathy toward what I’m doing.
You have to empower yourself before you can empower others.
You know what makes you happy.
6:30 pm, later that day
Woke up to Jewel asking “who will save your soul if you won’t save your own?”
Bess being here makes me realize a lot of the fucked up shit that I’ve learned to ignore, that I forget to question, that I’m tired of throwing myself against, failing.
Bess thinks that a lot of people have other reasons for coming here or staying here for the whole summer – that they want to find meaning in life.
I want to write a lot but not it’s not coming out. I need to write about why I’m still here, why I find myself caught up here, about how I feel Common Ground has gone astray.
Friday, July 14, 2006
nola 5
Excerpts from an email to a friend:
I’ve been here for about a month now and it's really wearing on me. I’m kind of losing my head, and maybe you'll be able to tell throughout my following email that I’m not quite all there. It’s extremely difficult to feel effective.
Today I 'gutted' an elementary school. What that all means is pretty complex. as far as organizational structure goes...: the Louisiana dept of education contracted out the 'recovery school district' who
further contracted 2 other groups: the Boston Consulting Group, and Alvarez and Marsal. Both of these latter groups work internationally to organize businesses so they can run as effectively and efficiently as possible. One part of that efficiency is efficiency of cost. So the Boston Consulting Group has been working largely with volunteer efforts to gut schools.
Let me stop and explain the word "gut." in most cases, gutting entails debris removal from a building as well as mold abatement. Debris removal entails removing rotting material that has been sitting in a building since (as the dates on the chalkboards go:) August 29, 2005. Hurricane Katrina hit that day, created a 20 foot storm surge which broke levees all across the city and flooded houses up to 15 feet for as long as 3 weeks. The school we gutted today was flooded only about 6 inches and is one of the more pleasant schools to gut. So debris removal...imagine walking into a fully stocked elementary school and dragging out everything from the first floor, irregardless of the condition. (Some things are in new condition, i.e. many unused textbooks, unopened office supplies, iBooks, etc. -- all of which are thrown away because of the mold spores that have had time to settle. Other things are not so new - cockroaches and a bigger version called Palmetto Bugs are abundant and yet they still creep me out.) Now, on to mold abatement. The water that flooded this place wasn't very clean - New Orleans is an industrialized port city and also has a fair share of oil refineries, garbage dumps and is generally a pretty dirty city. The mold that formed after the water sat in building is practically toxic to respiratory systems. After debris removal, we sledgehammer out the drywall and then mold abatement either means bleach or "E.M." (Efficient Microbes) to kill the mold.
This is a pretty typical day.
Today was not typical for me. I’ll be honest: I’ve been pretty shitty lately. This is very hard to be here. And my grandpa died on Monday and the funeral is today and my mom is being really weird about it (it's her dad). And my dad just had surgery and my sister is in Europe for a month. Yeah. This is all pretty crazy. So I had a bit of a crazy breakdown today, where I was just kind of delirious and unable to work. I would walk into a classroom and just not know where to begin. Although is not an unusual feeling, I just didn't know how to do it today, and work was really hard. We also had the smallest crew yet at this school: 5 and one guy left like halfway through...so there were 4 of us. On an entire school. In 95+ degree weather. With inadequate gear and insufficient clean drinking water. Today was hard.
A friend from U of I came down to work for a while a few days ago and she bought me Chinese food tonight. It was really good to eat a fairly normal meal. I recently moved out of the volunteer housing because I didn't want to get raped, shot, or have my stuff stolen (all real concerns), so I have no reliable source of food at this point, and no income until about an hour ago. Eating dinner was nice.
I'm sure by this point you have to think I’m insane. Rightly so. I see this as sort of an experiment and also a gigantic learning experience. if you're interested to hear more of my rationalization/justification I can let you in on that to help you understand why I’m still here...I’m sure you have a fairly large amount of unanswerable questions you might want to ask, too (such as why is the gutting done by volunteers when the gov't pledges 'no child left behind', or why do I fear getting raped or shot, or why haven't I left, or, well, I’m sure you have some of those), and I’m willing to entertain some of those as this dialogue progresses.
Rereading my email I realize I’ve said a lot. You must understand though that when I came down here it wasn't the same situation but since then has morphed into this monster that I’ve been entangled into. Granted, home is only a train ticket away, I’m not sure I want to come back yet. This place is like a rollercoaster and I’m trying to enjoy the ride even though I’m scared for my life.
I’ve been here for about a month now and it's really wearing on me. I’m kind of losing my head, and maybe you'll be able to tell throughout my following email that I’m not quite all there. It’s extremely difficult to feel effective.
Today I 'gutted' an elementary school. What that all means is pretty complex. as far as organizational structure goes...: the Louisiana dept of education contracted out the 'recovery school district' who
further contracted 2 other groups: the Boston Consulting Group, and Alvarez and Marsal. Both of these latter groups work internationally to organize businesses so they can run as effectively and efficiently as possible. One part of that efficiency is efficiency of cost. So the Boston Consulting Group has been working largely with volunteer efforts to gut schools.
Let me stop and explain the word "gut." in most cases, gutting entails debris removal from a building as well as mold abatement. Debris removal entails removing rotting material that has been sitting in a building since (as the dates on the chalkboards go:) August 29, 2005. Hurricane Katrina hit that day, created a 20 foot storm surge which broke levees all across the city and flooded houses up to 15 feet for as long as 3 weeks. The school we gutted today was flooded only about 6 inches and is one of the more pleasant schools to gut. So debris removal...imagine walking into a fully stocked elementary school and dragging out everything from the first floor, irregardless of the condition. (Some things are in new condition, i.e. many unused textbooks, unopened office supplies, iBooks, etc. -- all of which are thrown away because of the mold spores that have had time to settle. Other things are not so new - cockroaches and a bigger version called Palmetto Bugs are abundant and yet they still creep me out.) Now, on to mold abatement. The water that flooded this place wasn't very clean - New Orleans is an industrialized port city and also has a fair share of oil refineries, garbage dumps and is generally a pretty dirty city. The mold that formed after the water sat in building is practically toxic to respiratory systems. After debris removal, we sledgehammer out the drywall and then mold abatement either means bleach or "E.M." (Efficient Microbes) to kill the mold.
This is a pretty typical day.
Today was not typical for me. I’ll be honest: I’ve been pretty shitty lately. This is very hard to be here. And my grandpa died on Monday and the funeral is today and my mom is being really weird about it (it's her dad). And my dad just had surgery and my sister is in Europe for a month. Yeah. This is all pretty crazy. So I had a bit of a crazy breakdown today, where I was just kind of delirious and unable to work. I would walk into a classroom and just not know where to begin. Although is not an unusual feeling, I just didn't know how to do it today, and work was really hard. We also had the smallest crew yet at this school: 5 and one guy left like halfway through...so there were 4 of us. On an entire school. In 95+ degree weather. With inadequate gear and insufficient clean drinking water. Today was hard.
A friend from U of I came down to work for a while a few days ago and she bought me Chinese food tonight. It was really good to eat a fairly normal meal. I recently moved out of the volunteer housing because I didn't want to get raped, shot, or have my stuff stolen (all real concerns), so I have no reliable source of food at this point, and no income until about an hour ago. Eating dinner was nice.
I'm sure by this point you have to think I’m insane. Rightly so. I see this as sort of an experiment and also a gigantic learning experience. if you're interested to hear more of my rationalization/justification I can let you in on that to help you understand why I’m still here...I’m sure you have a fairly large amount of unanswerable questions you might want to ask, too (such as why is the gutting done by volunteers when the gov't pledges 'no child left behind', or why do I fear getting raped or shot, or why haven't I left, or, well, I’m sure you have some of those), and I’m willing to entertain some of those as this dialogue progresses.
Rereading my email I realize I’ve said a lot. You must understand though that when I came down here it wasn't the same situation but since then has morphed into this monster that I’ve been entangled into. Granted, home is only a train ticket away, I’m not sure I want to come back yet. This place is like a rollercoaster and I’m trying to enjoy the ride even though I’m scared for my life.
Wednesday, July 5, 2006
nola 4
There was a drive-by shooting on this block last night. A car pulled up to the middle of the intersection and fired two shots into a bar on the corner 100 feet down the road. No one was hurt.
I do not know how to comprehend this – but it’s why I’m leaving.
My peers comprehend it by making a joke out of it, by using humor to come to terms with something that they cannot otherwise think about. Much of pop culture America does this nowadays, too. We have TV shows that draw on sexism for humor, racism for fun, and economic disparity for laughs. Our ideals are taken silently away from us and then we struggle to buy them back for the rest of our lives. We struggle against the current to live a moral life, in attempt to live a peaceful life. This, it seems, is impossible. Suffering is all around us but we can’t seem to find the tools to come to terms with it – we can’t seem to win against the powers of immorality.
I’m sure many a great theorist has said this before.
We will stand up for morality and show others the Way.
I do not know how to comprehend this – but it’s why I’m leaving.
My peers comprehend it by making a joke out of it, by using humor to come to terms with something that they cannot otherwise think about. Much of pop culture America does this nowadays, too. We have TV shows that draw on sexism for humor, racism for fun, and economic disparity for laughs. Our ideals are taken silently away from us and then we struggle to buy them back for the rest of our lives. We struggle against the current to live a moral life, in attempt to live a peaceful life. This, it seems, is impossible. Suffering is all around us but we can’t seem to find the tools to come to terms with it – we can’t seem to win against the powers of immorality.
I’m sure many a great theorist has said this before.
We will stand up for morality and show others the Way.
Monday, July 3, 2006
nola 3
I have become largely ineffective as part of this group. I am easily frustrated and have little concern for the opinions of others. I feel that they are unintelligent and that working with them will bring me more harm than good. Furthermore, it is shitty to constantly have to feel guarded against outside forces because of my sex and race. This is one of the most sexist environments that I’ve ever lived in, and being the one to normally speak up, I’ve repeatedly been called a bitch or the like.
I’m impatient for these people to spit out something worth my time. It feels like I have to wait 90% of the time for maybe 10% of something that I’m actually interested in hearing.
I’m too egotistical in thinking that what I know is right. Though I tell myself that I’m usually right in the end anyway. You’re trying to be the expert and forcing it upon people. Whether or not you’re right in the end; this feeling blinds you from what you could be learning from people.
Fix these things or perish here.
I’m impatient for these people to spit out something worth my time. It feels like I have to wait 90% of the time for maybe 10% of something that I’m actually interested in hearing.
I’m too egotistical in thinking that what I know is right. Though I tell myself that I’m usually right in the end anyway. You’re trying to be the expert and forcing it upon people. Whether or not you’re right in the end; this feeling blinds you from what you could be learning from people.
Fix these things or perish here.
Sunday, June 25, 2006
nola 2
It seems that the more I learn, the more questions I have, and the harder these questions are to be answered. Simple questions like ‘what do I want,’ or ‘what should I do today,’ or ‘why should I even get out of bed,’ are now the larger unanswerable, paralyzing questions. I seem paralyzed by trying to figure out the best way to approach solving these problems. The problems here seem endless – or are arranged in such a cycle that self-perpetuates.
In attempt to solve these problems in a lasting way, we have brought to life a concept we call “sustainability.” This verbalizes an idea: we need to consider the future of our actions while we are acting – it promotes a worldview that incorporates the well-being of future generations as well as those of the current society. To use the term sustainability is to reach for something perfect, unattainable, and this can be done in such a way as to promote inaction rather than positive action toward smaller goals. We need a bigger plan, we need to understand the bigger picture and do so in such a way that this picture is able to provide us the answers we need to the nagging yet unavoidable questions.
Every small task now is hard to complete. Rather difficult to do in an acceptable way because I’m too paranoid about things getting done perfectly, sustainably, etc. It seems now that holding these criteria that entertain ideals of perfection as means to act is much more detrimental than motivating. How does the idea of sustainability evade me for encouraging practical change? Why has this become a barrier rather than a motivator? What has changed to make that such? Is it because I’m somehow depressed? I am definitely feeling symptoms of depression – the inability to find reason to get out of bed in the morning, lack of concern for food, for my body and well-being, decreased motivation, decreased spontaneity and creativity.
I lack passion and I don’t know why. I feel overwhelmed by the sheer number of problems. Digging deeper into the roots and learning the extent of problems in this city, in this country, in our world, easily leads me to feel brought down, weighted, burdened, and unable to move because of it. I know that I can get past that, and that I need to for my self and my ability to be compassionate. It seems now that I’ve somehow forgotten how to see those problems as apart from my self, and begin to take baby steps in the right direction. It seems that I’ve lost direction; I’ve lost that illumination of the path ahead.
I’ll write a little on what I’ve been doing the past few days:
Friday night Noah and I went downtown to get away from Iberville and get some work done. We were in the midst of human spectacle: tourism. Tourists, mostly well-dressed white people, were covering the streets and restaurants that we normally find rather inviting. These people were the swarm of flies around a rotting piece of food, only they don’t move when you wave your hand. Noah and I wondered how we could avoid being part of this crowd. He suggested unbuttoning his shirt, though I found no way to alleviate my “white guilt” through superficial appearance. I paid four dollars for a frozen coffee at Café du Monde, and realized I don’t even know what “worth it” means any more. The coffee was good tasting and cold, but I didn’t find it to actualize its monetary potential.
We sat down in front of the cat park, Jackson Square, which lies in front of St. Louis Cathedral. We call it the cat park because at night the square is locked up and a slew of stray cats serve as its nocturnal guardians. Many nights tourists stop to feed the cats; on Friday night we saw a family bring bags from Whole Foods and feed the cats. At this point, we were disgusted that people could waste so much money to feed cats but at the same time turn a blind eye to the hungry and homeless people with whom we were talking. Noah said this to Chicago who responded that we need to treat all creatures with compassion, because ‘we’re all one.’ To this I agree.
We sat down on a bench looking toward the cats and started writing. Noah was working on the press release for July 8th, and I was thinking about some of the questions regarding Common Ground that we can’t find answers to. Then a homeless woman came up and sat with her back to us on the same double-sided bench. She hadn’t said anything and looked like she was trying to sleep. After a number of minutes she started talking to us, asking us where we were from and we told her we were from the Midwest, working with Common Ground and trying to gut schools. We told her about the press release. Eventually she told us that she has a Masters in Media Communications. Her name is Danielle.
It’s hard, though, to access truth. I wish people didn’t feel motivated to lie. I wish people wouldn’t have to feel pushed to tell anyone anything except truth. But for these reasons and so many forces that push us to conceal what we know as real, there exists so many different levels of reality throughout society. There’s the level of the federal government, whose true motives are so wrapped up in lie that many people believe we are actually in a war against terror. This government pledges to ‘leave no child behind,’ but I see only disconnect when it comes to that actually happening. There is this city government, the structure of which is extremely convoluted and unintelligible. To work with NORD (the New Orleans Recreation Department), Eric and Jeremiah worked for months (3-4) to receive word from someone who actually had a meaningful and weighty opinion. At the ground level there are so many different opinions that it’s hard to even understand one, my own, completely. There are so many different interactions between opinion that occur daily, these are so dynamic and subject to radical, and sometimes, violent change, that many times I feel lost in confusion. Many times I wish that I could understand the truth, that I could answer my questions, or even that I knew who to ask.
Later
I feel that insatiable hunger. I want to talk to someone I love. I wish I could just go eat for a while. And drink water. I’m always sweating, even when I’m just laying in bed. I’m tired of being beat down by this heat. I’m tired of feeling unutilized. I should be doing something. I could be doing something. I want to do something. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what I could do that is constructive. Sometimes I feel like I need to be lead, but that would just provide another – external - thing to doubt. I can do that with my self already. It just seems like that’s not leading me anywhere, it’s not showing me any clear path of action any more. I can’t figure out why in a constructive way. I don’t know what I want with my self down here. I don’t know what I want with my life right now. It feels pointless, aimless, directionless, motionless in a way. I feel like I’m treading water. I’m moving but not going anywhere because I don’t know which way to go. Treading water for long periods of time is not healthy.
I miss comfort. I miss feeling comforted, by food, by a person, in my surroundings.
I want to be sought out. I want someone to need me, to want me, to desire my work my attention, my actualization. I want someone to want to see me dance, to dance with me. I want to build something together. I want to live together and do so happily, and in a way that makes others happy.
In attempt to solve these problems in a lasting way, we have brought to life a concept we call “sustainability.” This verbalizes an idea: we need to consider the future of our actions while we are acting – it promotes a worldview that incorporates the well-being of future generations as well as those of the current society. To use the term sustainability is to reach for something perfect, unattainable, and this can be done in such a way as to promote inaction rather than positive action toward smaller goals. We need a bigger plan, we need to understand the bigger picture and do so in such a way that this picture is able to provide us the answers we need to the nagging yet unavoidable questions.
Every small task now is hard to complete. Rather difficult to do in an acceptable way because I’m too paranoid about things getting done perfectly, sustainably, etc. It seems now that holding these criteria that entertain ideals of perfection as means to act is much more detrimental than motivating. How does the idea of sustainability evade me for encouraging practical change? Why has this become a barrier rather than a motivator? What has changed to make that such? Is it because I’m somehow depressed? I am definitely feeling symptoms of depression – the inability to find reason to get out of bed in the morning, lack of concern for food, for my body and well-being, decreased motivation, decreased spontaneity and creativity.
I lack passion and I don’t know why. I feel overwhelmed by the sheer number of problems. Digging deeper into the roots and learning the extent of problems in this city, in this country, in our world, easily leads me to feel brought down, weighted, burdened, and unable to move because of it. I know that I can get past that, and that I need to for my self and my ability to be compassionate. It seems now that I’ve somehow forgotten how to see those problems as apart from my self, and begin to take baby steps in the right direction. It seems that I’ve lost direction; I’ve lost that illumination of the path ahead.
I’ll write a little on what I’ve been doing the past few days:
Friday night Noah and I went downtown to get away from Iberville and get some work done. We were in the midst of human spectacle: tourism. Tourists, mostly well-dressed white people, were covering the streets and restaurants that we normally find rather inviting. These people were the swarm of flies around a rotting piece of food, only they don’t move when you wave your hand. Noah and I wondered how we could avoid being part of this crowd. He suggested unbuttoning his shirt, though I found no way to alleviate my “white guilt” through superficial appearance. I paid four dollars for a frozen coffee at Café du Monde, and realized I don’t even know what “worth it” means any more. The coffee was good tasting and cold, but I didn’t find it to actualize its monetary potential.
We sat down in front of the cat park, Jackson Square, which lies in front of St. Louis Cathedral. We call it the cat park because at night the square is locked up and a slew of stray cats serve as its nocturnal guardians. Many nights tourists stop to feed the cats; on Friday night we saw a family bring bags from Whole Foods and feed the cats. At this point, we were disgusted that people could waste so much money to feed cats but at the same time turn a blind eye to the hungry and homeless people with whom we were talking. Noah said this to Chicago who responded that we need to treat all creatures with compassion, because ‘we’re all one.’ To this I agree.
We sat down on a bench looking toward the cats and started writing. Noah was working on the press release for July 8th, and I was thinking about some of the questions regarding Common Ground that we can’t find answers to. Then a homeless woman came up and sat with her back to us on the same double-sided bench. She hadn’t said anything and looked like she was trying to sleep. After a number of minutes she started talking to us, asking us where we were from and we told her we were from the Midwest, working with Common Ground and trying to gut schools. We told her about the press release. Eventually she told us that she has a Masters in Media Communications. Her name is Danielle.
It’s hard, though, to access truth. I wish people didn’t feel motivated to lie. I wish people wouldn’t have to feel pushed to tell anyone anything except truth. But for these reasons and so many forces that push us to conceal what we know as real, there exists so many different levels of reality throughout society. There’s the level of the federal government, whose true motives are so wrapped up in lie that many people believe we are actually in a war against terror. This government pledges to ‘leave no child behind,’ but I see only disconnect when it comes to that actually happening. There is this city government, the structure of which is extremely convoluted and unintelligible. To work with NORD (the New Orleans Recreation Department), Eric and Jeremiah worked for months (3-4) to receive word from someone who actually had a meaningful and weighty opinion. At the ground level there are so many different opinions that it’s hard to even understand one, my own, completely. There are so many different interactions between opinion that occur daily, these are so dynamic and subject to radical, and sometimes, violent change, that many times I feel lost in confusion. Many times I wish that I could understand the truth, that I could answer my questions, or even that I knew who to ask.
Later
I feel that insatiable hunger. I want to talk to someone I love. I wish I could just go eat for a while. And drink water. I’m always sweating, even when I’m just laying in bed. I’m tired of being beat down by this heat. I’m tired of feeling unutilized. I should be doing something. I could be doing something. I want to do something. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what I could do that is constructive. Sometimes I feel like I need to be lead, but that would just provide another – external - thing to doubt. I can do that with my self already. It just seems like that’s not leading me anywhere, it’s not showing me any clear path of action any more. I can’t figure out why in a constructive way. I don’t know what I want with my self down here. I don’t know what I want with my life right now. It feels pointless, aimless, directionless, motionless in a way. I feel like I’m treading water. I’m moving but not going anywhere because I don’t know which way to go. Treading water for long periods of time is not healthy.
I miss comfort. I miss feeling comforted, by food, by a person, in my surroundings.
I want to be sought out. I want someone to need me, to want me, to desire my work my attention, my actualization. I want someone to want to see me dance, to dance with me. I want to build something together. I want to live together and do so happily, and in a way that makes others happy.
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
nola 1
So imagine walking into an elementary school. The classrooms are full of desks, chairs, posters, colorful shapes and words. Hallways are lined with motivational statements: “leave no child behind,” “creativity needs no direction,” and the school’s mission statement. The cafeteria is filled with tables and benches to accommodate at least 200 kids. There’s a stage, piano, and chairs for a sizable audience.
Now imagine that sitting in toxic floodwater – water from industrial New Orleans, a prominent port city, water soaking in garbage dumps, sewage water – for up to two weeks. Imagine after the city was drained, the school doors chained up, all contents inside left to rot. For nine months.
One volunteer site of Common Ground consisting of about twenty volunteers is the only group of people in the entire city of New Orleans that’s responsible for cleaning up these schools. We “gut” the schools (remove all the rubble and place it outside so FEMA trucks can drive it away) and then the remaining labor is contracted out. The things we discard are usually usable – undamaged by the floodwater: hundreds of unopened textbooks in storage rooms, thousands of clean, unwrinkled pieces of paper, sharp-tipped crayons, markers, colored pencils. The garbage piles we create look like an exploded Office Max TM.
By the end of the work day, most of us are so frustrated from being the only people who seem to care about the future of the children of New Orleans, and that we’re throwing out so much usable material, and that we aren’t being assisted by residents who do care about this, and that neither FEMA, nor the city, nor the school district seem to know we exist. The only insurance we have (the forms we sign to cover medical care in case of emergency) is provided by the Recovery School District (a 7 month old organization) and a firm out of Boston.
It seems in a lot of ways that the corruption is so bad here that the government is actually harming the people rather than helping them. To see a sign stating “no child left behind” as I walk into a trashed school was humorous – upper-middle class Caucasian college student volunteers from out of state are the ones who are responsible for these children not being left behind.
A few words about the state of the upper-middle class college students that seemed to appall the teacher I talked to at a school yesterday: we have no air conditioning, we have running water only sporadically, we sleep in the same neighborhood as drug dealers, and talk to them daily, we don’t have fresh food and have been eating rice and canned beans for longer than any of our tastes allow satisfaction, we sleep with cockroaches.
Where, we want to know, is FEMA? Where is the administration of the city of New Orleans? Where is the school district? Why do these disconnects exist: that between the federal government and it’s policies (“no child left behind”), that between the city of New Orleans and the school district? Where is the $95 billion (yes, billion) that the federal government included in its yearly budget for 2006? Why is the disconnect between the citizens whose children are forced to deal drugs on the street for lack of school, for lack of attention, for lack of resources, and their lack of ability to take the educations of their own children into their own hands? Where does this disconnect originate? How are citizens rendered so powerless?
These questions assault us daily, and still remain unanswered.
Now imagine that sitting in toxic floodwater – water from industrial New Orleans, a prominent port city, water soaking in garbage dumps, sewage water – for up to two weeks. Imagine after the city was drained, the school doors chained up, all contents inside left to rot. For nine months.
One volunteer site of Common Ground consisting of about twenty volunteers is the only group of people in the entire city of New Orleans that’s responsible for cleaning up these schools. We “gut” the schools (remove all the rubble and place it outside so FEMA trucks can drive it away) and then the remaining labor is contracted out. The things we discard are usually usable – undamaged by the floodwater: hundreds of unopened textbooks in storage rooms, thousands of clean, unwrinkled pieces of paper, sharp-tipped crayons, markers, colored pencils. The garbage piles we create look like an exploded Office Max TM.
By the end of the work day, most of us are so frustrated from being the only people who seem to care about the future of the children of New Orleans, and that we’re throwing out so much usable material, and that we aren’t being assisted by residents who do care about this, and that neither FEMA, nor the city, nor the school district seem to know we exist. The only insurance we have (the forms we sign to cover medical care in case of emergency) is provided by the Recovery School District (a 7 month old organization) and a firm out of Boston.
It seems in a lot of ways that the corruption is so bad here that the government is actually harming the people rather than helping them. To see a sign stating “no child left behind” as I walk into a trashed school was humorous – upper-middle class Caucasian college student volunteers from out of state are the ones who are responsible for these children not being left behind.
A few words about the state of the upper-middle class college students that seemed to appall the teacher I talked to at a school yesterday: we have no air conditioning, we have running water only sporadically, we sleep in the same neighborhood as drug dealers, and talk to them daily, we don’t have fresh food and have been eating rice and canned beans for longer than any of our tastes allow satisfaction, we sleep with cockroaches.
Where, we want to know, is FEMA? Where is the administration of the city of New Orleans? Where is the school district? Why do these disconnects exist: that between the federal government and it’s policies (“no child left behind”), that between the city of New Orleans and the school district? Where is the $95 billion (yes, billion) that the federal government included in its yearly budget for 2006? Why is the disconnect between the citizens whose children are forced to deal drugs on the street for lack of school, for lack of attention, for lack of resources, and their lack of ability to take the educations of their own children into their own hands? Where does this disconnect originate? How are citizens rendered so powerless?
These questions assault us daily, and still remain unanswered.
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