Why I'm not a "pioneer"

I went to an event recently and someone tweeted about it at me afterwards, calling me a pioneer:

World changing pioneers! It's a @women2 @W2citymeetup #FF @activismo, @alizardx, @anadiazhernandz, @arilikeairy, @ArtfulAllie, @Avilesm
— Nicole Lazzaro (@NicoleLazzaro) May 2, 2014

I have a few thoughts.

1) First and foremost, I do appreciate the sentiment and good intentions that motivated the above tweet.  Pioneer generally has a positive slant in our society, so if I can just skim the good connotation off the substance, I will.  I'll take the cream off the top.  We generally applaud pioneers for their successes, knowing or seeing something first, and usually taking some action because of it.  Parts of me certainly would like to be part of this trend-setting group.

However, there are some less-desirable characteristics of the word that I wouldn't like to embody, and for those reasons, I don't identify as a pioneer.

2) The word pioneer, says Google, means:

Though I am part of U.S. settler colonialism, I don't seek to actively reify it.

3) I'm also not the first, nor only one ...probably doing anything.  There are countless people who have come before me and set forth ideas that have lead to my own.  To discount all of that work, thoughts thoughts, the labor, and the individuals before me is narrow-minded and...quite frankly self-centered.

So, nope, I'm not a pioneer.  I acknowledge those who have come before me, those who have helped me get to where I am now, and I am actively against reifying settler colonialism!

Travel 2013: First impressions of Thailand

Stone soldier, Wat Po, Bangkok (click for more)

6.11, Bangkok

Coming from Delhi, Bangkok has been great so far.  Clean, polite, easy to navigate.  People smile back at you and men do not stare.  There are far more tourists in the area we’re staying than I’d seen in India.  Also, people are voluntarily helpful.  We ducked into a café this morning (which are everywhere!) and took out a map to see where we were planning to go and meet Licia’s friend.  A Thai man sitting next to us (reading a book about learning German) asked us where we wanted to go!  He also bid us a good trip in Thailand.  So far at least 2 people have also asked me if I’ve learned Thai yet.  At this point, I think “hello” is “sawasdee.”  I’d like to learn the basic niceties like please and thank you.  

Furthermore, we’ve walked through small marketplaces and have not been harassed.  In India, if you so much as looked at something the vendors (usually men) would ask you, “what you need?  I have it all,” “how much you pay?”  I heard a number say, “I have everything you need.”  (Which I found rather hilarious.)  It was very overwhelming.  For example, one of the last days in Delhi, we were trying to buy a few pieces of fruit, so we went to a stand in the middle of 5 or so other stands.  And he was clearly over-charging us and trying to get us to buy what I thought was a rotten mango.  He claimed the mango was good and such, and the whole time 3 other men were yelling at us to buy their fruit.  A man peeled a lychee and stuck it in my face and was naming prices so I would buy them, he eventually got to a very low price and I had only said, repeatedly, “no thank you” to him.  We eventually had to leave because I couldn’t focus on how much money it should be for the fruit (or if we should even buy that mango) and 

I no longer wanted it after being incessantly yelled at.

It’s definitely monsoon season here.  It’s pouring as I’m writing this post, and has been for quite some time.  The rain happens suddenly and quickly and downpours for at least 30 minutes multiple times a day.

Travel 2013: Sexism in india

The oppression of women, or sexism, in India was worse than I expected.  However, I’m sure that several of these things are sexist as I perceive them and may not be perceived that way by the women who live it every day.   I can say for sure, that men make it uncomfortable for women (at least foreign women) to walk on the street.  They stare blatantly and harshly.  This can range from curiosity to something more lustful and scary.   Many times a day, men would walk by staring directly at our breasts and not make eye contact – this is from close range.  There was rarely a time when my sister and I were sitting some place where there were not men staring.  I’m not exaggerating.  For example, in restaurants, often there would be either another patron or multiple wait staff staring.  One time, I counted 10 at once in a restaurant.  On our train ride from Delhi to Agra (a major tourist thoroughfare) 5 men stared as we played cards.

In a tourism book, I read that it isn’t uncommon for women to get groped in public spaces (like crowded markets or public transportation).  Fortunately this didn’t happen to me, but I had the mind to grab some man’s wrist after he tried anything and not just let him walk away freely from it.

Occasionally, often with some layer of protection, like speed (from a moving autorickshaw) or glass (from inside a restaurant), my sister and I would challenge blatant and unrelenting staring.  Once Licia stuck her tongue out at a guy who was staring from outside restaurant and he started laughing as he tried to return the gesture.  He eventually moved out of direct line of sight but still checked in on us.  The last few days, we started saying things loudly to each other, like “you shouldn’t stare,” or “stop staring at us.”  I’m pretty sure it is also seen as impolite in Indian culture, but I didn’t see any Indian women respond to it.

The dress code is different in India for women than it is in the U.S., but that is being challenged in big cities by younger women.  Traditionally, women wear saris (long cloth wrapped around her body) or kurtas and tights or some pants under them.  Their legs were generally fully covered, and often, with kurtas, so were their arms.  And this is in temperatures above 100 degrees F.  Licia and I generally wore dresses with tights under them, so not as fully covered, but still more than either of us would like to wear if we had the choice.  Pulling up tights in 100 degree weather is far from easy or comfortable.  So we felt like we were doing our part to not have our bodies exposed.

And I think the heat made my frustration with staring men worse.  Since it’s difficult to feel any power in the face of the threat of violence and potential lack of shared language, we often felt unable to express anything to the men who were being offensive.  Put that in a steamy oven of 115 degrees that is Delhi in the summer and it feels pretty ugly.  

Travel 2013: Anatomy of an Indian toilet

Indian style toilet

There are two types of toilet in India – Indian and Western.  Indian are kind of like a slightly fancy hole in the ground, with places for your feet and sometimes a built in flushing device, other times you use a bucket of water to rinse it down.  Western are generally the same as in the U.S.  The range of cleanliness is vast – from a floor wet with water and who knows what else to very fancy and well-kept commodes, sometimes supplied with toilet paper.

All bathrooms I’ve seen so far have a secondary water source – either in a spigot or as what I see most closely as a sprayer from a kitchen sink.  The spigot usually is accompanied by a small bucket, so you can splash water.  The idea is to use that to spray yourself off after you’ve done your business.  

Travel 2013: Agra

6.4-6.7, Agra

Kids next to a motorcycle, Agra, India

I expected Agra to be the most touristy part of India: people more used to tourists, the city easier to navigate, people less curious about our existence.  This wasn’t the case.  Agra appeared like a rural Indian town, cows and dogs in the street, people staring, windy small potholed roads leading up to very old buildings.  Granted there are some resorts which are extremely well kept and cater to nearly every tourist whim (spas, gyms, pools, salons, expensive stores, multiple restaurants – all in one), but as soon as you leave the hotel, it is dirty, smoggy, rural India.   I expected Agra to be more built up around the tourist industry than it was.  I also expected to see the influx of money to have trickled down into more social services.   My expectations were wrong.  For example, there were shanties made of bamboo and tarp across the street from our hotel, something I wouldn’t expect of one of the major tourist destinations of the world.

This title is deservedly so.  The Taj Mahal was spectacular.  It was much bigger in person than I thought it would be, and it sits on a much larger complex than I’d known.  We generally only see the white building in photos, but there are also 3 other large red and white buildings at each cardinal direction around the Taj.  It also sits on a large river which was mostly dry and filled with rubbish when we were there.  Though, I’m pretty sure I saw cranes down there, and there were definitely water buffalo.  In the complex itself there were water birds (herons?) and a troupe of monkeys that ran through.

Monkey in the Taj Mahal complex (3 large red buildings surround the Taj)

We got up at sunrise to see the Taj and thankfully so, because by 8:30 it was already very hot (using sweat rags and sitting in the shade).  The intricately inlaid stone work on the giant, magnificent white building set it apart from anything I’ve ever seen.  Multiple colors of other precious stones are carved into white marble to made various designs.  The domed ceilings are made into geometric shapes typical of Mughal architecture.

While we were in Agra we also saw the Itmad-Ud-Dalaugh and the Agra Fort, both of which were also very impressive.

Responses to NPR podcast on language and assimilation

I listened to an NPR podcast Luke sent me, involving the "Race Card Project" and language and assimilation. Here are some of my thoughts:

• It's an interesting turn when she says "more American...whatever that means" -- at 1:22 - and then goes on to explain what she thinks/knows they meant. She knows what it means -- it means speaking only English or English without an accent, and I'm not sure why she makes it sound like she doesn't.
• "Language of the new homeland, where in America that means English" - I wish they'd be a little more critical here, because an older language of Ft. Worth Texas is Spanish, so in this case you could actually claim that the (a) language of the homeland is Spanish.
• I'd also like to hear more about the labels "hispanic" and "latino" in the podcast. Both of those words were created by people outside of those groups, and because of this, among other reasons, I don't like them...but I realize that many people identify as such.  There's enough effort from outside the groups to create groups in order to control or marginalize them -- let's not use this kind of motivation to self-identify.  On the other hand, the label "chicano" was created from within the Mexican American group as part of the liberation movement in the U.S in the 60s.
• I can definitely empathize with the "internalized criticism" and her saying "I'm not Mexican, my parents are."   I wish she would elaborate on her reflections of this statement now, as "making amends for a deep wound."  Does she mean the wound of not being able to identify?
• I'd agree with this statement, except for "my dad's chicano, not me" - it's really hard to own any of this because being Mexican sucks in this country right now (and has for a while).
• She said her "whole family has regret around not learning Spanish" -- I wonder if this is true for my family. I certainly do regret not speaking more Spanish with my grandpa.
• I wonder why she can't master the language as an academic?  (Those are the interviewer's words, but I don't think they're correct -- more like why she hasn't decided to.)  I wish they'd talk more about her struggle (if there was one) to learn Spanish - does she want to? What gets in her way?
• I recently seen the answer to this question for myself clearly -- that internalized racism and racism were the factors getting in the way of me learning Spanish. Since finding this out, and with the support from others, it's been a little easier to speak it and feel more comfortable doing so lately.
• It was really touching when she answered "what do you lose when you lose your language? home, relationship" - that's definitely true. "Family" is what I'd say.
• Most of all - it's cool to see someone else's experiences that are similar to mine represented in big media. It's going to be a growing topic as more and more latinos/Latin Americans come to and are born in the U.S.

Travel 2013: Transportation in India

Sleeper train vs. sleeper bus

Individual beds = +1 to sleeper train
The train can have either two or three levels ("tiers") of beds, on one side of the aisle either 4 or 6 and the other side either 2 or 3.  In the 2 tier, you can comfortably sit up, but the 3 tier doesn't provide enough room to sit - only lay down flat.  You're provided sheets, blankets, and pillows.  During mealtimes, people sell the time-appropriate foods, including chai, cold water, and other refreshments.

On the other hand, the sleeper bus is a standard coach bus size, with the seats removed and converted into two levels - kind of like permanent bunk beds, with only enough room to sit up.  Each bed is a twin size, for two people, and sometimes they are randomly assigned - as in the case with our tickets which we booked late.  Licia and I were traumatized at the thought of having to share such a small, secluded space with a random man (spooning all night) and so we just ducked into one, claimed it for ourselves, and hunkered down.  I vowed to leave only kicking and screaming.  But apparently it wasn't an issue because the conductors are forgiving with women, so we were gracefully accommodated.

Bathrooms on board = +1 to sleeper train
Shortly after we boarded the bus and getting ready to sleep, Licia had to use the bathroom.  We both wandered up and down the bus aisle before we asked a woman at the front of the coach who laughed
at the question.  At this point, I stopped drinking water and took a pepto tablet - a lifesaver which calms the stomach and quells any need to use the bathroom for the next few hours.

About an hour later, the bus stopped and the conductor yelled "2 minutes" in Hindi, which Licia understood.  We put our shoes on as fast as we could, got off the bus, and followed a few other women to the bathroom.  We did our business and ran back to the bus.  A few hours later, around 4:30 am the bus stopped again, but this time there were many other buses and the bathroom was packed with women and children forming indiscriminate lines to 5 stalls.  As I finally got to the stall and opened the door, a woman with a child pleaded with me about her bus leaving soon and that they should go first.  The bathroom itself was pretty nasty - a wet floor with some mix of water, urine, and others...leaving my shoes disturbingly wet as we got back on the bus.

The sleeper trains have 4 bathrooms per car, some "Western" and some Indian.  Western means a veritable toilet, sometimes with a seat, whereas Indian means a platform on the floor with a hole through which you can sometimes see the tracks racing by below.  Both have pressurized water for flushing, a sink, though rarely is there soap or toilet paper.  Sometimes they are relatively clean, other times not.

Food = +1 to sleeper train

I woke up in the morning on the train to someone yelling something having to do with food, walking up and down the car, stopping periodically for transactions.  Next was the guy with a few gallons of warm chai, refreshing after an air conditioned ride.  For 7 rupees (less than 20 cents), you get a small cup of warm milk, sugar, and black tea.

No such luxuries were offered on the bus.  The 4:30 am stop did include a chaat stand (snacks) but I was too worried about getting back to the bus after weaving my way through dozens of women to get to the bathroom, plus it was far too early and far too few bathroom stops to consider eating.

Stop announcements = +1 to sleeper bus
We were surprised on the sleeper train that the stations weren't announced - you have to know your stop and get off at the right time.  We learned our lesson after our first trip and now we write down the 3 stops before where we need to get off so we can know where on the line we're at, as time isn't always a reliable metric of approaching the destination.

On the other hand the bus conductor announced the stops in a mix of other Hindi words that Licia didn't understand.  However, many towns have multiple pronunciations, and it can be confusing.

Overall score
Sleeper train = +3
Sleeper bus = +1, but at least -5 at the possibility of sharing a twin bed with a random man for a bumpy 12 hour ride, and maybe a few more negative points from the assorted fecal wetness on the bottom of my sandals, which I eventually put back into my cozy bed

Travel 2013: Indian Railway

A sheet on the sleeper car of the train - they all had dates they were made and the black slowly fades to gray over time

5.23, 1 a.m., night train to Goa

At 1 a.m. I learn the magic of the Indian Railway.  Even though the station smells of human urine, with sand bags and garbage lining the tracks, peppered with unshy rats, the station is still full of families travelling with luggage, sitting on the ground in the middle of the hot balmy night.  Every station prints a list of passengers that board there, with old-school printer paper with tabbed edges: here you consult your seat assignment. There were zero other identifiable foreigners and no women travelers unaccompanied by a man.

Travel 2013: Mumbai

5.22 - Mumbai

I’ve been wondering about race.  It’s clear that race is so connected to class in the U.S., and I’m pretty sure it’s not the same here.  I feel myself surprised to see darker Indians passing similarly (as far as I can tell) as the lighter skinned.  I asked about it during breakfast and received a history lesson/lecture on the caste system in India.  We also talked about the green revolution and GMOs, over a breakfast of small bananas (kela), sweet + mango jelly, mango jaggery + cheese sandwich, and my first chai.

Trying to get on the bus, I notice that Licia and I are not good at queues (lines) because everyone else pushes to the front, in any way possible – including using their children.  We have mostly gotten pushed to the back of the line because we’re too reserved to elbow people out of our way.  Also, personal space is smaller, and this is very clearly evidenced in driving.

Women are less prevalent in public spaces.  For example, on our full bus, there were 4 women. 

The feeling of sitting in the car with a kid tapping the window: a single pane(pain) of transparent glass separating and representing two wholly different worlds. Her barefoot in the street running into intersections with stopped cars, her face clearly dirtied and no sign of any parent/guardian, me sitting in A/C on fake leather car seat on my way somewhere with a $500 camera in my lap.

Travel 2013: Mumbai

People living in shacks and cooking over fire, taken out of a room with A/C and a flatscreen TV - click for more photos

5.21 - Mumbai

The first thing I smell in the morning is the faint but definitive thick scent of burning plastic.  The hard bed provided a balance of comfort and support to sleep well and not have an achy back.  We had the luxury of air conditioning for most of the night, but waking up without it means hot, frizzy hair and a grease-shined face.

Colonization here by the British is much different than it was in the U.S.  At least the way I see it, most Indians don’t bear physical resemblance to the British, whereas the majority of U.S. citizens have European descent – at least for now, before “latinos” take over the majority position.

My sister and I are staying at my friend’s parent’s (and grandparent’s) house, who own their own business.  They have a nice, clean, new car (where, by the way back seat belts are not compulsory and therefore do not have a hole to click it in to) and a big apartment – not crowded with stuff or technology. A wooden swing is the living/dining room separator – bars on the windows on the third floor.  Our temporary bedroom looks out to the construction of another neighboring tower. 

Uma asked us first thing in the morning what we’re doing still lounging in bed – “come out and make yourself at home.” She then proceeded to sweep the room and the rest of the house with a  small, short natural fiber broom. Breakfast was idly (kind of a soft rice paddy) and tomato coconut chutney; we talked about how globalization and development is, in the man of the house’s words “eroding the character of India.”

We took a $2 A/C bus with a TV and “tequila” song playing to downtown Mumbai. Building stories are propped up with bamboo and rebar sticking out like candles on the birthday cake for a 200 year old.  Extreme poverty butts up to the roadside: garbage, stray dogs, naked children squatting in the dirt.  The periodic rivers are littered with brightly colored plastic wrappers picked at by tall, leggy white shorebirds.  We mostly receive unabashed staring, kids’ warm, dark, curious eyes included, though not all are as friendly.

Travel 2013: USA via Shanghai and Delhi to Mumbai

Leaving the U.S. - click for more photos

5.18
It's 1am and 4pm at the same time.  I'm about to land in Shanghai after a 13 hour flight backwards (or forward?) in time.  I've never been to Asia before.  I've been realizing lately that smiling/looking nice is something unique to U.S. superficial social interactions - when we make eye contact, we usually smile.  Or when we interact and then say thanks, we smile.  It seems weird to me when (especially women) don't smile back - after making eye contact.

We landed into Shanghai with so much air pollution.  You can smell the air metallic on the plain.  I watched a ping pong game in the airport to pass the 5 hour layover.

From Shanghai, I flew to New Delhi, met my sister at 3 am local time, and then caught another flight to Mumbai.  Now we're staying with my friend's parents in a northern suburb.

My response to GOOD blog post on women entrepreneurs

My mom sent me a link to this article: Don’t Just ‘Lean In’: 10 Ways Women Entrepreneurs and Leaders Should Take Action Now.  Which discusses a new social network, called Lean In, to support entrepreneurial women and then provides 10 tips.

Here are those 10:

• Stop talking about being a victim—words become beliefs that become reality. Be a positive voice in the gender conversation, and look for the gratitude and lessons in every situation.

• Smile and say “thank you” when complimented.

• Practice having honest and open dialogue—start with family or close friends and then move outwards. Be mindful of appropriateness, but eventually this kind of authentic vulnerability and boundary setting will feel seamless, natural, and empowering.

• Don’t wait for an invitation—ask for what you want. Nobody can read your mind, and life becomes much more fun when it’s interactive.

• Stop discrediting your achievements, and do not apologize your way out of the discomfort you feel as a result of your growth. Own it.

• If you’ve been talking about wanting to do something for a while, seek support and GO DO IT. Your taking action gives others permission to do the same.

• Set realistic expectations for yourself, and let go of the desire to be perfect. Watch as your frustrations with other people’s imperfections ease.

• If you feel competitive with another woman, reach out and offer to help her out. It’s amazing what counter-action (and a little kindness) can do to dissolve negative feelings. Do this for yourself—resentment is toxic only to the one harboring it.

• Stop obsessing and talking about your guilt. This self-centeredness stalls needed progress. Instead, use your emotions as a guidepost, allowing you to course-correct at anytime.

• Raise your hand, and keep it up.

Stop telling women to smile!

Frankly, I was put off by the assumptions that guide the 10 tips.  Like “stop being a victim” and “stop feeling guilty.”  I’m sure that: a) those aren’t the things that hold me back, and b) if they were, the author provides no guidance as to how to go about doing these things which wouldn’t help anybody feel better if they’re already feeling victimized (targeted) and guilty!
Oh, AND, this article makes no mention of the larger, systemic issues like patriarchy or how capitalism has been set up to privilege (white) men and undervalue women.  I’m not going to go in to that ball of wax here, but is central and should not be left out of this discussion.

The suggestions also remind me of a recent artist’s work against street harassment, called Stop Telling Women to Smile.

Oversimplified, cliche pop-psychology advice from a blog post isn’t going to change anything for female entrepreneurs.

On the other hand, the narrative part of the article that suggests building a support group of like-minded women (and maybe a few men), then addressing/discussing these items as a group, and sharing what actually works IS helpful.

Those bullets makes me feel like the author is stereotyping me, saying to stop doing something, and providing no path as to how to do so, completely devoid of the larger socio-cultural context.  I’m tired of that.

So here’s my bulleted list:

• Stop stereotyping women and provide meaningful, personal support before you make suggestions as to how we should live our lives, think about ourselves, and run our businesses.