new orleans, part 5

being in New Orleans (NOLA) again has reminded me to not be normalized. i love how that city and the spaces it provides allow me to express my true, more radical sides, rather than my institutionalized, academic, more rigid personality. school is making me less radical and i hate it. in that way, i'm glad this era is ending.

the city is still plagued, but is healing, too. V to the 10th helped me see that in a really powerful way. focusing on ending violence against women and spotlighting post-katrina new orleans, in the superdome was emotional. hearing people talk, rap, slam, cry, and share about their experiences was a healing for me, one that i've rarely had the opportunity to be a part of. the superdome, reclaimed as superLOVE for the weekend was transformed into a welcoming, art filled, female filled place -- a womb for birth and growth, if you will. :)

i'm so glad i was able to go. getting this respite, change of pace, and challenge to normativity is a good perspective to have as i'm getting ready to graduate.

here are some important things i wrote down that i want to remember:

• -see NOLA as a "canary in the coalmine" -- in terms of government, capitalism, misuse of public trust, etc. we should make sure that this doesn't continue to happen on a national level.
• -eve ensler: "the struggle is the change." eve rocks.
• -jane fonda spoke about art and activism -- art opens the heart, activism creates the change. i hadn't previously connected the two, but i'd like to start integrating that into my life and perspective.
• -slam poetry is HOT.
  

i suppose i viscerally FELT a lot of things i 'knew' about rape and violence against women. rape isn't necessarily violent or forceful, in the way we generally understand those words. it doesn't have to involve guns, blood, or physical force. it seems that media/popculture/etc have claimed and defined this discourse -- INCORRECTLY. the framing of these issues as such (on a societal AND individual level) lead us to incorrect solutions. the discourse and solutions should revolve around respect, consent, and the sacred-ness of sexuality. our society has violated that, and continues to do so even as it claims to restore it. women may not know, i did not know that "no" MEANS no. this space, this gift is mine, and maybe i will -share- it with someone else. how many times did you say no, did you feel 'no' or 'stop' or 'i don't want to' but you did anyway? how many more times will it take for you to speak up? how many more before you empower yourself and claim yourself? none. no more will i silence myself, no more will i let this continue. i will respect that choice and honor it. this is the beginning of something sacred.

if you want more information on this movement, visit the vday website: http://www.vday.org
if you'd like to talk to me about it, comment on the blog or send me an email; i'd like to hear what you have to say.

rereading past posts of mine on this blog, it's interesting to see these themes woven throughout. from aug.08.2006, almost two years ago, i posted a list of quotes from thich nhat hanh. here's one that i've finally come to understand this weekend:

"when we hold back our feelings and ignore our pain, we are committing violence against ourselves. the practice of nonviolence is to be here, to be present, and to recognize our own pain or despair."

again as i've expressed on this blog before, i hope this is the beginning of a string of related posts. hopefully finishing school will give me more free time to devote to this.

thanks for reading.

my creativity has been gone for a while. o, where has it gone.

i am jealous because of the movie <slacker>. it's slightly inspirational. lots to think about at the least.

questions from justin

--------------------------------------------
(1) from justin: "If there is a group of people who have always been cold, would it be wrong to send them a box of heat. They don't even know about boxes of heat, it wouldn't occur to them they they didn't have one before. Further more, they have no reason not to think that cold isn't the way things should be so they have desire for heat the way we know it, and maybe they wouldn't even like it... Would it be wrong to assume they want the same thing we have just because we can't conceive of them not wanting it?"

(2) another: "There is a place where women are taught that they are inferior to men and that they are stupid. They have only ever known this and have no reason to question it, additionally they live in an oppressive social situation and are strongly discouraged from questioning it. Would it be wrong to tell some of these women that this isn't the case? Furthermore, to help them realize this physically and become self actualized even though this would severely change their culture, way of life, and actual life they have at this point? Is it presumptuous to say that our way of looking at the world (all people being equal) is the right way? Why or why not. This is obviously a different question that the previous one because it deals with human rights and social issues, and more so because it broaches the issue of absolute or subjective morality. I still think it is interesting in its own way to consider, especially before going into other cultures as an outsider."
--------------------------------------------

(1) The box of warmth

My initial response to the first sentence is: yes (it's wrong), if it's unsustainable and locally unavailable. If you show them something they can't have, you just make them want it and tease them with its potential. If they've never wanted it before, why give it to them? Who are we to say that warm is good, when they're perfectly fine with it being cold?

That also immediately reminded me of a question posed a few years ago. Something like "if there was a starving child, and you had enough water to elongate his life for one day, would you give it to him or just let him die?" I think that the answer to this question is obvious: give him the water, because the next day it's possible to come across a less limited source of water. At least there is potential for survival. However, you are promoting suffering; living on the bare minimum of water is probably not very pleasant. Though, do you think it would even be physically possible to deny yourself the water? The kid would almost physically /have/ to drink it. (I realize this example doesn't relate directly, but again, something to consider in brainstorming.)

I don't think there's a clear answer to your question. I think it just morphs into another one, rather than getting 'cleared up'. I think the question becomes: what makes warm "good"? Why would we even think of providing this to them? Think about it from their perspective: "What the hell is this? These people are crazy, giving us a totally different environment...we're used to coldness, warmth is so different. It's not how it's supposed to be, it's not how it has been, and we don't have any idea how to make it stay warm, even if we did like it." (Something like that?)

I think your last question is confusing, so I'm gonna try and work it out: "Would it be wrong to assume they want the same thing we have, just because we can't conceive of them not wanting it?" Initial response: yes, it would be wrong of us to assume. But here's more thinking: let's disregard our conceptions of them wanting it, and just focus on our assumptions. (<<>There is a place where women are taught that they are inferior to men and that they are stupid." Hmm...let's just call this "mainstream society."

"Would it be wrong to tell some of these women that this isn't the case?"
What if telling them made them so socially deviant that they would be killed?

Just because it's something they've never known, doesn't mean they have no reason to question it. I think human nature calls that into question. Oppressive regimes are generally called 'oppressive' because they're oppressing people -->who don't want to be oppressed<-- I think they probably know that other things are possible. I think 'hope' may be a generalizable ideal...that "all humans have hope for something" may be true. ...For this case, I suppose women would hope that one day their intelligence could be recognized, that they could be recognized as an entity separate from men, and not merely defined by a hierarchical relationship to them. Lots of people are told they're inferior and stupid every day. I think it's when these "inferior" and "stupid" people get together that they can realize that---related to each other at least---there are other ways to define oneself. From here, the movement will start. Again, though, if they were told "you're not really inferior to men" or "you're smart" they might respond: "No, we really are inferior. We really are not smart and we should let men control all the things that require intelligence. Our position in society is to be inferior, and if we were anything other than that, we wouldn't know what to do. We actually find it comforting to be in this position, because society reinforces this, (ok, they wouldn't say it with these words, fine) and embraces it when we are this way." Bottom line, though, coming from a group of women who recognize that they are different ways to define themselves, is much different than coming from some outsider trying to tell them that there are different ways to define themselves. ...not that the latter is wrong necessarily.

3/3/08

i am confused. there are so many questions that are going through my head, and very rarely do they get affirmation. i can't find support, or at least some acknowledgment that what i am going through now is right, acceptable, good, and will lead to something better in the future. sometimes i talk to michael who also works at the ovp and she reminds me that it's ok, and that i shouldn't "shit all over myself." i reluctantly agree. i think what i need to do to help sort this out a bit more, as well as provide a reference for myself that progress isn't an illusion is: to write. write about what i'm struggling with, write about why i choose to do this, what i think i'm embarking on, what motivates me, and whatever other questions come up. // what is suffering? who are we to define it? // the question isn't whether or not we should go, but /how/ we should go. // link of the day from michael: http://chronicle.com/weekly/v54/i26/26a03401.htm title: american students abroad can't be 'global citizens' by talya zemach-bersin. i haven't read it yet but want to before work is over. i have to finish a homework assignment first.

with so much happening in my life here at school ...classes, clubs, boyfriend, friends and social ties, family, etc...how can i possibly focus on a larger picture? am i ethically supposed to? what about that question...should we care about people we don't know?

i don't intend to go somewhere and do something with a clear conscious, determination achieved by sorting out all of the questions i'm facing right now. i don't intend to feel that i know what i'm doing is right, but, rather, moving away from doing something i feel is wrong, in search for something different. // what exactly is wrong with this? i suppose what's wrong with this is that if i keep living here like this, (even knowingly?) i'll be living into the life of privilege, unquestioningly in practice, perhaps different in theory, but all the while at risk of falling into it after losing momentum to question, constantly swimming against the stream. this, i think, is what i'm trying to avoid right now: complacency created by buying into the system. i think this definitely stems from my parents saying they empathize with many of the counter-cultural feelings i experience now, but looking at them from my perspective, are part of that system (culture) themselves.

yeah, i guess granted that we can never really escape this privilege given to us at birth, and not that i'm trying to necessarily avoid the facts, but i'd rather not continue the treadmill.

what can i do to end this culture of privilege, of imperialism? this is what i seek to answer.

this, though, should not be the motivation to go abroad, to seek to find it outside of ourselves. or should it? can we not get a good glimpse of our own culture without contrasting it to another? taking ourselves and placing our cultured selves into another culture, and examining the differences? i think the answer is: both are needed. we need to be fully grounded here at the same time as exploring our boundaries with contrast to other cultures, and noting the details of the differences. perhaps in this way we can inform ourselves about our culture, about its deficiencies and about parts that should be embraced and celebrated.

questions from justin

--------------------------------------------
(1) from justin: "If there is a group of people who have always been cold, would it be wrong to send them a box of heat. They don't even know about boxes of heat, it wouldn't occur to them they they didn't have one before. Further more, they have no reason not to think that cold isn't the way things should be so they have desire for heat the way we know it, and maybe they wouldn't even like it... Would it be wrong to assume they want the same thing we have just because we can't conceive of them not wanting it?"

(2) another: "There is a place where women are taught that they are inferior to men and that they are stupid. They have only ever known this and have no reason to question it, additionally they live in an oppressive social situation and are strongly discouraged from questioning it. Would it be wrong to tell some of these women that this isn't the case? Furthermore, to help them realize this physically and become self actualized even though this would severely change their culture, way of life, and actual life they have at this point? Is it presumptuous to say that our way of looking at the world (all people being equal) is the right way? Why or why not. This is obviously a different question that the previous one because it deals with human rights and social issues, and more so because it broaches the issue of absolute or subjective morality. I still think it is interesting in its own way to consider, especially before going into other cultures as an outsider."
--------------------------------------------

(1) The box of warmth

My initial response to the first sentence is: yes (it's wrong), if it's unsustainable and locally unavailable. If you show them something they can't have, you just make them want it and tease them with its potential. If they've never wanted it before, why give it to them? Who are we to say that warm is good, when they're perfectly fine with it being cold?

That also immediately reminded me of a question posed a few years ago. Something like "if there was a starving child, and you had enough water to elongate his life for one day, would you give it to him or just let him die?" I think that the answer to this question is obvious: give him the water, because the next day it's possible to come across a less limited source of water. At least there is potential for survival. However, you are promoting suffering; living on the bare minimum of water is probably not very pleasant. Though, do you think it would even be physically possible to deny yourself the water? The kid would almost physically /have/ to drink it. (I realize this example doesn't relate directly, but again, something to consider in brainstorming.)

I don't think there's a clear answer to your question. I think it just morphs into another one, rather than getting 'cleared up'. I think the question becomes: what makes warm "good"? Why would we even think of providing this to them? Think about it from their perspective: "What the hell is this? These people are crazy, giving us a totally different environment...we're used to coldness, warmth is so different. It's not how it's supposed to be, it's not how it has been, and we don't have any idea how to make it stay warm, even if we did like it." (Something like that?)

I think your last question is confusing, so I'm gonna try and work it out: "Would it be wrong to assume they want the same thing we have, just because we can't conceive of them not wanting it?" Initial response: yes, it would be wrong of us to assume. But here's more thinking: let's disregard our conceptions of them wanting it, and just focus on our assumptions. (<<>There is a place where women are taught that they are inferior to men and that they are stupid." Hmm...let's just call this "mainstream society."

"Would it be wrong to tell some of these women that this isn't the case?"
What if telling them made them so socially deviant that they would be killed?

Just because it's something they've never known, doesn't mean they have no reason to question it. I think human nature calls that into question. Oppressive regimes are generally called 'oppressive' because they're oppressing people -->who don't want to be oppressed<-- I think they probably know that other things are possible. I think 'hope' may be a generalizable ideal...that "all humans have hope for something" may be true. ...For this case, I suppose women would hope that one day their intelligence could be recognized, that they could be recognized as an entity separate from men, and not merely defined by a hierarchical relationship to them. Lots of people are told they're inferior and stupid every day. I think it's when these "inferior" and "stupid" people get together that they can realize that---related to each other at least---there are other ways to define oneself. From here, the movement will start. Again, though, if they were told "you're not really inferior to men" or "you're smart" they might respond: "No, we really are inferior. We really are not smart and we should let men control all the things that require intelligence. Our position in society is to be inferior, and if we were anything other than that, we wouldn't know what to do. We actually find it comforting to be in this position, because society reinforces this, (ok, they wouldn't say it with these words, fine) and embraces it when we are this way." Bottom line, though, coming from a group of women who recognize that they are different ways to define themselves, is much different than coming from some outsider trying to tell them that there are different ways to define themselves. ...not that the latter is wrong necessarily.

2/28/08

i never thought of making anything permanent in latin america. only observing how they interact with their surroundings, what they consider their problems to be. maybe at one point i can consider offering advice, but i do not feel anywhere near that point now. there's no way i can even begin to think about how to affect those communities in the abstract ideals that permeate our conversations.

Green Fire

Written September 22, 2006 near a small forest in Pennsylvania:

Sometimes when I go out, standing at the edge of the forest, I feel it. There's a warmth that wells in my chest, just below my sternum.. It's a warmth, the warmth, I think we spend our lives searching for but come upon only rarely. I think it's the warming of completeness, the warmth of entirety.

I feel it when I am truly happy. And when I am sad, my chest feels like an empty cupboard and I seek to fill it with food.

Sitting at the edge of the forest, surrounded by the all-encompassing hug of crickets, cardinals singly chirping, at the same time it is both within me as I am in it. It silently accepts me, and if I get quiet enough, sometimes I can hear it marvelling back at me. Our souls lying together in perfect unity on the forest floor.

Many times, though, this energy is dead set on spreading itself from me; it radiates and reverberates in others. It is an offering, complete in all its intricate, innocent beauty.

It is so disconcerting the many times I've set out searching for it, only to feel as if I am running after my own shadow. Sometimes I run so fast I fall and as I'm picking myself up I remember to be patient, stand still, and let it come out of its hiding place.

And it does. It winks at me if I pay enough attention.
"I'm still here," it beckons.

Sometimes it hides in the eyes of others, looking out at me. These days I am happy, we are complete.

I try to live my life with an absolute intention to one day come to see the peace beneath the war we so often delude and lose ourselves in, the busyness we put ourselves through, trying to ignore what we cannot avoid.

I long for the day when we can be open enough as a people to see it in ourselves, to accept it and embrace it. Sometimes when I go out, I can feel the promise.